Vulgar words in My Secret Life, Volumes I. to III. - 1888 Edition (Page 1)
This book at a glance
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I recollect even now in a degree which astonishes me, the face, color, stature, thighs, backside, and cunt, of well nigh every woman I have had, who was not a mere casual; and even of some who were.
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When I have named the number of times I have fucked a woman in my youth, I may occasionally be in error, it is difficult to be quite accurate on such points after a lapse of time.
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What strikes me as curious in reading it, is the monotony of the course I have pursued toward women who were not of the gay class; it has been as similar, and repetitive as fucking itself; do all men act so, does every man kiss, coax, hint smuttily, then talk baudily, snatch a feel, smell his fingers, assault, and win, exactly as I have done?
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A conclave of whores telling the truth, and of Romish Priests, could alone settle the point.
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I expect I must have seen her cunt, as I sat beside her naked thigh.
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Looking towards her and crying about my broken drum, and when I saw her hand moving no doubt she was frigging.
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Yet I have not the slightest recollection of her cunt, nor of anything more than I have told.
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The oddest thing is, that whilst I early recollected more or less clearly what took place two or three years later on, and ever afterwards, on sexual matters; and what I said, heard, and did, and nearly consecutively, this my first recollection of cock, and cunt, escaped my memory for full twenty years.
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I could not, as the reader will hear, thoroughly uncover my prick tip without pain, till I was sixteen years old nor well then when quite stiff unless it went up a cunt.
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I suppose, I must have slipped down in my sleep, till my head laid against her belly, and cunt.
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Some years afterwards when I got the smell of another woman's cunt on my fingers, it at once reminded me of the smell I had under my nose in the bed; and I knew at a flash, that I had smelt cunt before, and recollected where, but no more.
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That was the first time I recollect seeing the hair of a cunt, though I must have seen it before, for I recollect at times a female (most likely a nursemaid) stand naked, but don't recollect noticing anything black between her thighs, nor did I think about it at all afterwards.
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My cousin then told me that girls had no cock, but only a hole they piddled out of, we were always talking about them, but I don't recollect the word cunt, nor that I attached any lewd idea to a girl's piddling hole, or to their cocks being flat, an expression heard I think at the same period.
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We wondered how the piddle came out, if they wetted their legs and if the hole was near the bum hole, or where; one day Fred and I pissed against each others cocks, and thought it excellent fun.
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I would listen at the bed room doors, if I could get near them unobserved, when my mother, sister, the governess, or a servant went in, hoping to hear the rattle and often succeeded: it was accompanied by no sexual desire, or idea, as far as I can recollect; I had no cockstand, and am sure, that I then did not know that the women had a hole called a cunt, and used it for fucking.
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I would not; the other lady helped to lift me, I pushed my hands up the petticoats of the governess, felt the hair of her cunt, and that there was something warm, and moist, between her thighs.
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Fred treated me as a simpleton in these matters, and was always calling me an ass; I have quite a painful recollection of my inferiority to him, in such things, and of begging him to instruct me.
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Walking near the market-town with him just at the outskirts, and looking up a side-road, we saw a pedler woman squat down and piss.
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We stopped short and looked at her: she was a short-petticoated, thick-legged, middle-aged woman; the piss ran off in a copious stream, and there we stood grinning.
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She had a large basket of crockery for sale, it was put down in the main-road at the angle; she had just turned round into the side lane to piss.
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We ran off, and when well away, turned round and shouted at her, "I saw your cunt," Fred bawled out;--she flung another stone.
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I recollect feeling full of envy at Fred's having seen her cunt.
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Though writing now, and having in my mind's eye, exactly how the woman squatted, and the way her petticoats hung, I am sure he never did see it; it was brag when he said he had, but we were always talking about girls' cunts, the desire to see one was great, and I then believed that he had seen the pedlar woman's.
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Fred incited me to look at her cunt, if I could manage it.
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I only had a momentary glimpse, of the outside of the little quim, for I was not a minute in the room with the child by myself altogether, and was fearful of being caught all the time I was looking.
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His sisters were somewhat older, and we began to scheme how to see their cunts, when I was on a visit to his mother's (my aunt,) which was to come off in the holidays.
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When I went out, which I was now allowed to do for short distances by myself, I copied what was on the walls, to tell Fred, it was foul, baudy language of some sort, but the only thing we understood at all, was the word cunt.
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Just then, being out with some boys, we saw two dogs fucking.
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My godfather.--At Hampton-Court.--My aunt's backside.-- Public baths.--My cousins' cunts.--Haymaking frolics.-- Family difficulties.--School amusements.--A masturbating relative.--Romance and sentiment.
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He repeated this so often, that it sunk deeply into my mind, and made me uneasy, something was to happen to me, if I did something--I did not know what--it was intended as a caution against frigging, and it had good effect on me I am sure in various ways in the after time.
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"Now, it's a lie, isn't it, you did not feel her cunt?"
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Said Fred, "if you dodge the gardiners, creep up there, and lay on your belly quietly, some girls will be sure to come, and piss, you'll see them pull their clothes up as they turn round, I saw some before you came to stay with us."
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Fred so excited me about the girls' arses, as he called them, that we never lost an opportunity of trying for a sight, but were generally baulked.
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A very hot day, for we kept in the shady walks, one of which led to the place where women hid themselves to piss.
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Said Fred, "I'm sure they are going to piss, that's why they want to get rid of us."
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As we got there, pushing aside the leaves, we saw the big backside of a woman, who was half standing, half squatting, a stream of piss falling in front of her, and a big hairy gash, as it seemed, under her arse; but only for a second, she had just finished as we got the peep, let her clothes fall, tucked them between her legs, and half turned round.
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Two or three did, one said, "you watch if anyone is coming," squatted and piddled, we could not see her cunt, but only part of her legs, and the piddle splashing in front of her.
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Then came the second, she had her arse towards us, sat so low, that we could not even see the tips of her buttocks.
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Nevertheless the sights were very delightful to us, and we used to discuss his mother's "wopper" and the hair, and the look of the gash, but I thought there must be some mistake, for it was not the idea I had formed of a cunt.
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come Wat, come softly, Lucy and Mary are quite naked, you can see their cunts, Lucy has some black hair on hers."
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Lucy, fifteen years old, was laying half on her side, naked from her knees to her waist, the bed-clothes kicked off (I suppose through heat), were dragging across her feet and partly laying on the floor; we saw her split, till lost in the closed thighs, she had a little dark short hair over the top of her cunt, and that is all I can recollect about it.
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Mary-Ann by the side of her, a year younger only, laid on her back, nacked up to her navel, just above which was her night-gown in a heap and ruck; she had scarcely a sign of hair on her cunt, but a vermillion line, lay right through her crack.
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Projecting more towards the top, where her cunt began, she had what I now know was a strongly developed clitoris; she was a lovely girl and had long chestnut hair.
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Whilst we looked she moved one leg up in a restless manner, and we bobbed down, thinking she was awaking; when we looked again, her limbs were more open, and we saw the cunt till it was pinched up, by the closing of her buttocks.
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In fear of being caught, we soon crept out, closed the door ajar, and regained our bedroom, so delighted that we danced with joy, as we talked about the look of the two cunts; of which, after all, we had only had a most partial, rapid glimpse.
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you have but little idea, that I have seen your cunt."
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She was unfortunate; married a cavalry officer, went to India with him, was left at a station unavoidably by her husband, who was sent on a campaign, for a whole year; could not bear being deprived of cock, and was caught in the act of fucking with a drummer boy, a mere lad.
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She was a salacious young woman, I think from what I recollect of her, and am told, was afterwards fucked by a lot of men; but it was a sore point with the family, and all about her was kept quiet.
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Many years before that, I fucked a nurse-maid, she laying on that table, in the very same summer-house, as I shall presently tell.
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Fred and I used to discuss the look of his sisters' and mother's cunts, as if they had belonged to strangers.
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The redness of the line in Mary-Ann's quim astonished us.
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I do not recollect having even then, formed any definite notion of what a girl's cunt was, though we had seen the splits, but had still, and till much further on, the notion that the hole was round, and close to where the clitoris is, having no idea then of what a clitoris was, though we had got an Aristotle and used to read it greedily; the glimpse of the two cunts were but momentary, and our excitement confused our recollections.
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Fred and I then formed a plot to look at another girl's cunt; who the girl was, I don't know, it may have been another of Fred's sisters, or a cousin by another of my aunts, but I think not; at all events she was stopping in aunt's house, and from her height, which was less than that of Fred and myself, I should think a girl of about eleven or twelve years of age.
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My aunt and others were in the very field, but had no idea of the game we were playing, the girl romping with us, had no idea, that we were looking at her cunt, and an instantaneous peep only it was.
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What effect sensuously, these glimpses of cunt, had on me, I don't know; but have no recollection of sexual desire, nor of mine nor Fred's cock being stiff.
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I clearly recollect our talking at that time about fucking, and wondering if it were true or a lie.
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We could repeat what we had read, and heard, but it still seemed improbable to me that a cock should go up a cunt, and the result be a child.
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I think I went to school, though not long before what I am going to tell of happened, but am not certain, if so, I must have seen boys frigging; yet as far as I can arrange in my mind the order of events, I first saw a boy doing that, in my own bed-room at home.
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Awaking one morning, I felt his belly up against my rump, and his feeling or pushing his prick against my arse, putting my hand back, I pushed him away; then I found it pushing quickly backwards and forwards between my thighs, and his hand, passed over my hips, was grasping my cock.
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The next night undressing, he showed me his prick, stiff, as he sat naked on a chair; it was an exceedingly long, but thin article; he told me about frigging, and said he would frig me, if I would frig him.
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Even now, as it did then, the evening seemed to me a nasty unpleasant one, yet I let him get hold of my prick and frig it, but had no sensation of pleasure, he said, "your skin won't come off, what a funny prick;" that annoyed me, and I would not let him do more; we talked till our candle burnt out; he stamped out the sperm on the carpet, saying the servants would think we had been spitting.
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This was the first time I ever saw frigging and male semen, and it opened my eyes.
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I think there were five or six together in the privy, then it was cocks-all-round, and every boy frigged himself.
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I don't think I was one of the party again, though I saw each of the same boys frig himself in the privy when alone with me, at some time or another.
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"Let's frig," said he; we were only allowed to be away five minutes.
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Out he pulled his prick, then out I pulled mine; he tried to pull my skin back, and could only half do it, he frigged himself successfully, but I could not.
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I frigged that boy one day, but finding my cock was becoming a talk among our set, I shrunk from going to their frigging parties, which I have seen even take place in a field, boys sitting at the edge of a ditch, whilst one stood up to watch if anyone approached.
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Before I had seen anyone frig, I had been permitted to read novels, not a moment of my time when not at studies was I without one.