Vulgar words in Gargantua and Pantagruel (Page 1)
This book at a glance
~ ~ ~ Sentence 86 ~ ~ ~
From that time legend has fastened on Rabelais, has completely travestied him, till, bit by bit, it has made of him a buffoon, a veritable clown, a vagrant, a glutton, and a drunkard.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 590 ~ ~ ~
V. And thus he rails at drinking all before 'em, And for lewd women does be-whore 'em, And brings their painted faces and black patches to th' quorum.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 645 ~ ~ ~
So saith a turlupin or a new start-up grub of my books, but a turd for him.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 802 ~ ~ ~
This entereth into my veins,-the pissing tools and urinal vessels shall have nothing of it.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 910 ~ ~ ~
Whereupon an old ugly trot in the company, who had the repute of an expert she-physician, and was come from Brisepaille, near to Saint Genou, three score years before, made her so horrible a restrictive and binding medicine, and whereby all her larris, arse-pipes, and conduits were so oppilated, stopped, obstructed, and contracted, that you could hardly have opened and enlarged them with your teeth, which is a terrible thing to think upon; seeing the Devil at the mass at Saint Martin's was puzzled with the like task, when with his teeth he had lengthened out the parchment whereon he wrote the tittle-tattle of two young mangy whores.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 964 ~ ~ ~
For the jewel or brooch which in his cap he carried, he had in a cake of gold, weighing three score and eight marks, a fair piece enamelled, wherein was portrayed a man's body with two heads, looking towards one another, four arms, four feet, two arses, such as Plato, in Symposio, says was the mystical beginning of man's nature; and about it was written in Ionic letters, Agame ou zetei ta eautes, or rather, Aner kai gune zugada anthrotos idiaitata, that is, Vir et mulier junctim propriissime homo.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 985 ~ ~ ~
By the same reasons (if reasons I should call them, and not ravings rather, and idle triflings about words), might I cause paint a pannier, to signify that I am in pain-a mustard-pot, that my heart tarries much for't-one pissing upwards for a bishop-the bottom of a pair of breeches for a vessel full of fart-hings-a codpiece for the office of the clerks of the sentences, decrees, or judgments, or rather, as the English bears it, for the tail of a codfish-and a dog's turd for the dainty turret wherein lies the love of my sweetheart.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,049 ~ ~ ~
He pissed in his shoes, shit in his shirt, and wiped his nose on his sleeve-he did let his snot and snivel fall in his pottage, and dabbled, paddled, and slobbered everywhere-he would drink in his slipper, and ordinarily rub his belly against a pannier.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,051 ~ ~ ~
He would sit down betwixt two stools, and his arse to the ground -would cover himself with a wet sack, and drink in eating of his soup.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,053 ~ ~ ~
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,054 ~ ~ ~
He would strike out of the cold iron, be often in the dumps, and frig and wriggle it.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,059 ~ ~ ~
He would eat cabbage, and shite beets,-knew flies in a dish of milk, and would make them lose their feet.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,069 ~ ~ ~
He would bite their ears, and they would scratch his nose-he would blow in their arses, and they would lick his chaps.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,087 ~ ~ ~
Afterwards, that he might be all his lifetime a good rider, they made to him a fair great horse of wood, which he did make leap, curvet, jerk out behind, and skip forward, all at a time: to pace, trot, rack, gallop, amble, to play the hobby, the hackney-gelding: go the gait of the camel, and of the wild ass.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,108 ~ ~ ~
It is, said he, five turds to make you a muzzle.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,157 ~ ~ ~
In shitting yes'day I did know The sess I to my arse did owe: The smell was such came from that slunk, That I was with it all bestunk: O had but then some brave Signor Brought her to me I waited for, In shitting!
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,158 ~ ~ ~
I would have cleft her watergap, And join'd it close to my flipflap, Whilst she had with her fingers guarded My foul nockandrow, all bemerded In shitting.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,178 ~ ~ ~
The good man Grangousier having heard this discourse, was ravished with admiration, considering the high reach and marvellous understanding of his son Gargantua, and said to his governesses, Philip, king of Macedon, knew the great wit of his son Alexander by his skilful managing of a horse; for his horse Bucephalus was so fierce and unruly that none durst adventure to ride him, after that he had given to his riders such devilish falls, breaking the neck of this man, the other man's leg, braining one, and putting another out of his jawbone.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,202 ~ ~ ~
But all the countenance that Gargantua kept was, that he fell to crying like a cow, and cast down his face, hiding it with his cap, nor could they possibly draw one word from him, no more than a fart from a dead ass.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,234 ~ ~ ~
Some, nevertheless, of the company escaped this piss-flood by mere speed of foot, who, when they were at the higher end of the university, sweating, coughing, spitting, and out of breath, they began to swear and curse, some in good hot earnest, and others in jest.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,295 ~ ~ ~
Edepol, quoniam, ita certe, medius fidius; a town without bells is like a blind man without a staff, an ass without a crupper, and a cow without cymbals.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,296 ~ ~ ~
Therefore be assured, until you have restored them unto us, we will never leave crying after you, like a blind man that hath lost his staff, braying like an ass without a crupper, and making a noise like a cow without cymbals.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,304 ~ ~ ~
The sophister had no sooner ended, but Ponocrates and Eudemon burst out in a laughing so heartily, that they had almost split with it, and given up the ghost, in rendering their souls to God: even just as Crassus did, seeing a lubberly ass eat thistles; and as Philemon, who, for seeing an ass eat those figs which were provided for his own dinner, died with force of laughing.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,311 ~ ~ ~
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,315 ~ ~ ~
I do not ask thee, said Janotus, blockhead, quomodo supponit, but pro quo?
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,316 ~ ~ ~
It is, blockhead, pro tibiis meis, and therefore I will carry it, Egomet, sicut suppositum portat appositum.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,317 ~ ~ ~
So did he carry it away very close and covertly, as Patelin the buffoon did his cloth.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,344 ~ ~ ~
Then he dunged, pissed, spewed, belched, cracked, yawned, spitted, coughed, yexed, sneezed and snotted himself like an archdeacon, and, to suppress the dew and bad air, went to breakfast, having some good fried tripes, fair rashers on the coals, excellent gammons of bacon, store of fine minced meat, and a great deal of sippet brewis, made up of the fat of the beef-pot, laid upon bread, cheese, and chopped parsley strewed together.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,360 ~ ~ ~
Pissing then a full urinal, he sat down at table; and because he was naturally phlegmatic, he began his meal with some dozens of gammons, dried neat's tongues, hard roes of mullet, called botargos, andouilles or sausages, and such other forerunners of wine.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,693 ~ ~ ~
The bun-sellers or cake-makers were in nothing inclinable to their request; but, which was worse, did injure them most outrageously, calling them prattling gabblers, lickorous gluttons, freckled bittors, mangy rascals, shite-a-bed scoundrels, drunken roysters, sly knaves, drowsy loiterers, slapsauce fellows, slabberdegullion druggels, lubberly louts, cozening foxes, ruffian rogues, paltry customers, sycophant-varlets, drawlatch hoydens, flouting milksops, jeering companions, staring clowns, forlorn snakes, ninny lobcocks, scurvy sneaksbies, fondling fops, base loons, saucy coxcombs, idle lusks, scoffing braggarts, noddy meacocks, blockish grutnols, doddipol-joltheads, jobbernol goosecaps, foolish loggerheads, flutch calf-lollies, grouthead gnat-snappers, lob-dotterels, gaping changelings, codshead loobies, woodcock slangams, ninny-hammer flycatchers, noddypeak simpletons, turdy gut, shitten shepherds, and other suchlike defamatory epithets; saying further, that it was not for them to eat of these dainty cakes, but might very well content themselves with the coarse unranged bread, or to eat of the great brown household loaf.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,736 ~ ~ ~
Whom when he heard sing, im, nim, pe, ne, ne, ne, ne, nene, tum, ne, num, num, ini, i mi, co, o, no, o, o, neno, ne, no, no, no, rum, nenum, num: It is well shit, well sung, said he.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 2,017 ~ ~ ~
When they heard these words, some amongst them began to be afraid, and blessed themselves with both hands, thinking indeed that he had been a devil disguised, insomuch that one of them, named Good John, captain of the trained bands of the country bumpkins, took his psalter out of his codpiece, and cried out aloud, Hagios ho theos.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 2,043 ~ ~ ~
In the meantime his mare pissed to ease her belly, but it was in such abundance that it did overflow the country seven leagues, and all the piss of that urinal flood ran glib away towards the ford of Vede, wherewith the water was so swollen that all the forces the enemy had there were with great horror drowned, except some who had taken the way on the left hand towards the hills.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 2,218 ~ ~ ~
Friar John, said Gymnast, take away the snot that hangs at your nose.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 2,321 ~ ~ ~
Which words being heard by those that rode in the van, they instantly faced about, and seeing there was nobody but the monk that made this great havoc and slaughter among them, they loaded him with blows as thick as they use to do an ass with wood.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 2,345 ~ ~ ~
And presently the monk gave his horse the spur, and kept the way that the enemy held, who had met with Gargantua and his companions in the broad highway, and were so diminished of their number for the enormous slaughter that Gargantua had made with his great tree amongst them, as also Gymnast, Ponocrates, Eudemon, and the rest, that they began to retreat disorderly and in great haste, as men altogether affrighted and troubled in both sense and understanding, and as if they had seen the very proper species and form of death before their eyes; or rather, as when you see an ass with a brizze or gadbee under his tail, or fly that stings him, run hither and thither without keeping any path or way, throwing down his load to the ground, breaking his bridle and reins, and taking no breath nor rest, and no man can tell what ails him, for they see not anything touch him.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 2,473 ~ ~ ~
Picrochole thus in despair fled towards the Bouchard Island, and in the way to Riviere his horse stumbled and fell down, whereat he on a sudden was so incensed, that he with his sword without more ado killed him in his choler; then, not finding any that would remount him, he was about to have taken an ass at the mill that was thereby; but the miller's men did so baste his bones and so soundly bethwack him that they made him both black and blue with strokes; then stripping him of all his clothes, gave him a scurvy old canvas jacket wherewith to cover his nakedness.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 2,578 ~ ~ ~
Here enter not base pinching usurers, Pelf-lickers, everlasting gatherers, Gold-graspers, coin-gripers, gulpers of mists, Niggish deformed sots, who, though your chests Vast sums of money should to you afford, Would ne'ertheless add more unto that hoard, And yet not be content,-you clunchfist dastards, Insatiable fiends, and Pluto's bastards, Greedy devourers, chichy sneakbill rogues, Hell-mastiffs gnaw your bones, you ravenous dogs.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 73 ~ ~ ~
I speak of it like a lusty frolic onocrotary (Onocratal is a bird not much unlike a swan, which sings like an ass's braying.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 347 ~ ~ ~
The Bald Arse or Peeled Breech of the Widows.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 507 ~ ~ ~
), has led to a chaotic jumble, which it is nearly impossible to reduce to order.-Instead of any attempt to do so, it is here given verbatim: 'Lard gestholb besua virtuisbe intelligence: ass yi body scalbisbe natural reloth cholb suld osme pety have; for natur hass visse equaly maide bot fortune sum exaiti hesse andoyis deprevit: non yeless iviss mou virtiuss deprevit, and virtuiss men decreviss for anen ye ladeniss non quid.'
~ ~ ~ Sentence 519 ~ ~ ~
Do you speak Christian, said Epistemon, or the buffoon language, otherwise called Patelinois?
~ ~ ~ Sentence 574 ~ ~ ~
For I am sure that you, and all those through whose hands this process has passed, have by your devices added what you could to it pro et contra in such sort that, although their difference perhaps was clear and easy enough to determine at first, you have obscured it and made it more intricate by the frivolous, sottish, unreasonable, and foolish reasons and opinions of Accursius, Baldus, Bartolus, de Castro, de Imola, Hippolytus, Panormo, Bertachin, Alexander, Curtius, and those other old mastiffs, who never understood the least law of the Pandects, they being but mere blockheads and great tithe calves, ignorant of all that which was needful for the understanding of the laws; for, as it is most certain, they had not the knowledge either of the Greek or Latin tongue, but only of the Gothic and barbarian.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 618 ~ ~ ~
I perceiving, then, said Kissbreech, that the Pragmatical Sanction did make no mention of it, and that the holy Pope to everyone gave liberty to fart at his own ease, if that the blankets had no streaks wherein the liars were to be crossed with a ruffian-like crew, and, the rainbow being newly sharpened at Milan to bring forth larks, gave his full consent that the good woman should tread down the heel of the hip-gut pangs, by virtue of a solemn protestation put in by the little testiculated or codsted fishes, which, to tell the truth, were at that time very necessary for understanding the syntax and construction of old boots.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 667 ~ ~ ~
After he had spoke this, he walked a turn or two about the hall, plodding very profoundly, as one may think; for he did groan like an ass whilst they girth him too hard, with the very intensiveness of considering how he was bound in conscience to do right to both parties, without varying or accepting of persons.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 761 ~ ~ ~
By my beard, they are competently scurvy for such a city as this is; for a cow with one fart would go near to overthrow above six fathoms of them.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 773 ~ ~ ~
Of them should the walls be built, ranging them in good symmetry by the rules of architecture, and placing the largest in the first ranks, then sloping downwards ridge-wise, like the back of an ass.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 786 ~ ~ ~
But see how that might be remedied: they must be wiped and made rid of the flies with fair foxtails, or great good viedazes, which are ass-pizzles, of Provence.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 830 ~ ~ ~
When he encountered with any of them upon the street, he would not never fail to put some trick or other upon them, sometimes putting the bit of a fried turd in their graduate hoods, at other times pinning on little foxtails or hares'-ears behind them, or some such other roguish prank.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 831 ~ ~ ~
One day that they were appointed all to meet in the Fodder Street (Sorbonne), he made a Borbonesa tart, or filthy and slovenly compound, made of store of garlic, of assafoetida, of castoreum, of dogs' turds very warm, which he steeped, tempered, and liquefied in the corrupt matter of pocky boils and pestiferous botches; and, very early in the morning therewith anointed all the pavement, in such sort that the devil could not have endured it, which made all these good people there to lay up their gorges, and vomit what was upon their stomachs before all the world, as if they had flayed the fox; and ten or twelve of them died of the plague, fourteen became lepers, eighteen grew lousy, and about seven and twenty had the pox, but he did not care a button for it.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 862 ~ ~ ~
~ ~ ~ Sentence 884 ~ ~ ~
Yea but, said I, you damn yourself like a snake, and are withal a thief and sacrilegious person.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 979 ~ ~ ~
Everybody then taking heed, and hearkening with great silence, the Englishman lift up on high into the air his two hands severally, clunching in all the tops of his fingers together, after the manner which, a la Chinonnese, they call the hen's arse, and struck the one hand on the other by the nails four several times.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,011 ~ ~ ~
With this Thaumast, with great toil and vexation of spirit, rose up, but in rising let a great baker's fart, for the bran came after, and pissing withal very strong vinegar, stunk like all the devils in hell.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,073 ~ ~ ~
Afterwards he kneeled down by her very familiarly and said unto her, Madam, know that I am so amorous of you that I can neither piss nor dung for love.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,077 ~ ~ ~
Ay but, said he, equivocate upon this: a beau mont le viconte, or, to fair mount the prick-cunts.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,113 ~ ~ ~
A turd for you!
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,127 ~ ~ ~
Panurge had no sooner spoke this but all the dogs that were in the church came running to this lady with the smell of the drugs that he had strewed upon her, both small and great, big and little, all came, laying out their member, smelling to her, and pissing everywhere upon her-it was the greatest villainy in the world.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,128 ~ ~ ~
Panurge made the fashion of driving them away; then took his leave of her and withdrew himself into some chapel or oratory of the said church to see the sport; for these villainous dogs did compiss all her habiliments, and left none of her attire unbesprinkled with their staling; insomuch that a tall greyhound pissed upon her head, others in her sleeves, others on her crupper-piece, and the little ones pissed upon her pataines; so that all the women that were round about her had much ado to save her.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,134 ~ ~ ~
But the best was at the procession, in which were seen above six hundred thousand and fourteen dogs about her, which did very much trouble and molest her, and whithersoever she passed, those dogs that came afresh, tracing her footsteps, followed her at the heels, and pissed in the way where her gown had touched.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,137 ~ ~ ~
When she was entered into the house and had shut the door upon herself, all the dogs came running of half a league round, and did so well bepiss the gate of her house that there they made a stream with their urine wherein a duck might have very well swimmed, and it is the same current that now runs at St. Victor, in which Gobelin dyeth scarlet, for the specifical virtue of these piss-dogs, as our master Doribus did heretofore preach publicly.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,217 ~ ~ ~
This exploit being ended, Pantagruel was very jovial, and wondrously commended the industry of these gentlemen, whom he called his fellow-soldiers, and made them refresh themselves and feed well and merrily upon the seashore, and drink heartily with their bellies upon the ground, and their prisoner with them, whom they admitted to that familiarity; only that the poor devil was somewhat afraid that Pantagruel would have eaten him up whole, which, considering the wideness of his mouth and capacity of his throat was no great matter for him to have done; for he could have done it as easily as you would eat a small comfit, he showing no more in his throat than would a grain of millet-seed in the mouth of an ass.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,235 ~ ~ ~
Furthermore, one hundred three score and three thousand foot, all armed with the skins of hobgoblins, strong and valiant men; eleven thousand four hundred men-at-arms or cuirassiers; three thousand six hundred double cannons, and arquebusiers without number; four score and fourteen thousand pioneers; one hundred and fifty thousand whores, fair like goddesses-(That is for me, said Panurge)-whereof some are Amazons, some Lionnoises, others Parisiennes, Taurangelles, Angevines, Poictevines, Normandes, and High Dutch-there are of them of all countries and all languages.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,245 ~ ~ ~
It is, said Panurge, how I shall be able to set forward to the justling and bragmardizing of all the whores that be there this afternoon, in such sort that there escape not one unbumped by me, breasted and jummed after the ordinary fashion of man and women in the Venetian conflict.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,255 ~ ~ ~
No, no, said Panurge, but tie thine ass to a crook, and ride as the world doth.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,283 ~ ~ ~
Then forthwith rising up he gave a fart, a leap, and a whistle, and most joyfully cried out aloud, Ever live Pantagruel!
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,284 ~ ~ ~
When Pantagruel saw that, he would have done as much; but with the fart that he let the earth trembled nine leagues about, wherewith and with the corrupted air he begot above three and fifty thousand little men, ill-favoured dwarfs, and with one fisg that he let he made as many little women, crouching down, as you shall see in divers places, which never grow but like cow's tails, downwards, or, like the Limosin radishes, round.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,322 ~ ~ ~
After they had whittled and curried the can pretty handsomely, Panurge gave Pantagruel to eat some devilish drugs compounded of lithotripton, which is a stone-dissolving ingredient, nephrocatarticon, that purgeth the reins, the marmalade of quinces, called codiniac, a confection of cantharides, which are green flies breeding on the tops of olive-trees, and other kinds of diuretic or piss-procuring simples.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,337 ~ ~ ~
Suddenly Pantagruel had will to piss, by means of the drugs which Panurge had given him, and pissed amidst the camp so well and so copiously that he drowned them all, and there was a particular deluge ten leagues round about, of such considerable depth that the history saith, if his father's great mare had been there, and pissed likewise, it would undoubtedly have been a more enormous deluge than that of Deucalion; for she did never piss but she made a river greater than is either the Rhone or the Danube.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,421 ~ ~ ~
Suddenly Epistemon began to breathe, then opened his eyes, yawned, sneezed, and afterwards let a great household fart.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,537 ~ ~ ~
With this he pissed in his pot, as the mustard-makers of Paris used to do.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,646 ~ ~ ~
Yea but, said he, where didst thou shite?
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,652 ~ ~ ~
A while after this the good Pantagruel fell sick, and had such an obstruction in his stomach that he could neither eat nor drink; and, because mischief seldom comes alone, a hot piss seized on him, which tormented him more than you would believe.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,668 ~ ~ ~
For they do nothing but dote, and better were it for them to rub their arse against a thistle than to waste away their time thus in disputing of that whereof they know not the original; for the resolution is easy, neither need we to inquire any further than that the said baths came by a hot piss of the good Pantagruel.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,683 ~ ~ ~
This done, Pantagruel enforcing himself to vomit, very easily brought them out, and they made no more show in his mouth than a fart in yours.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,690 ~ ~ ~
You shall have the rest of the history at Frankfort mart next coming, and there shall you see how Panurge was married and made a cuckold within a month after his wedding; how Pantagruel found out the philosopher's stone, the manner how he found it, and the way how to use it; how he passed over the Caspian mountains, and how he sailed through the Atlantic sea, defeated the Cannibals, and conquered the isles of Pearls; how he married the daughter of the King of India, called Presthan; how he fought against the devil and burnt up five chambers of hell, ransacked the great black chamber, threw Proserpina into the fire, broke five teeth to Lucifer, and the horn that was in his arse; how he visited the regions of the moon to know whether indeed the moon were not entire and whole, or if the women had three quarters of it in their heads, and a thousand other little merriments all veritable.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 159 ~ ~ ~
~ ~ ~ Sentence 230 ~ ~ ~
It will make you have a current belly to trot, fart, dung, piss, sneeze, cough, spit, belch, spew, yawn, snuff, blow, breathe, snort, sweat, and set taut your Robin, with a thousand other rare advantages.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 461 ~ ~ ~
Wherefore it is, that none should henceforth say, who would not speak improperly, when any country bumpkin hieth to the wars, Have a care, my roister, of the wine-pot, that is, the skull, but, Have a care, my roister, of the milk-pot, that is, the testicles.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 609 ~ ~ ~
My wife possibly will be as comely and handsome as ever was his Venus, but not a whore like her, nor I a cuckold like him.