Vulgar words in Secret Memoirs: The Story of Louise, Crown Princess (Page 1)
This book at a glance
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Louise, herself, assures us over and over again that she "_feels like a dog_," a statement no self-respecting publisher's reader would allow to pass, yet I was told by a friend of King Frederick of Denmark that he loved to compare his "all-highest person" to a "_mut_," and I remember a letter from Victor Emanuel II to his great Minister, Count Cavour, solemnly protesting that he (the King) was "_no ass_."
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CONTENTS CHAPTER I MOTHERHOOD PAGE A sterile Royal Family once fruitful--Diary true record of self--Long legs of Countess Solms--A child only because he can't help it--Wet nurse to Socialist brat--Royal permit for nursing--Royal negligee talk--A Saxon failing 1 CHAPTER II THE SWEET FAMILY Husband loving, but family nasty--Money considerations--Brutal caresses in public--Pests in the family--Awful serenity--Meddle with angels' or devils' affairs--Father-in-law's gritty kiss 7 CHAPTER III WEEPING WILLOW--EMBLEM ROYAL A pious fraud--Theresa Mayer--Character of the Queen--Mopishness rampant 11 CHAPTER IV MY UNPLEASANT YOUTH Father hard to get along with--Royal imaginations--Kings cursing other kings--Poverty and pretense--Piety that makes children suffer--Up at five to pray on cold stones--Chilblains and prayer 15 CHAPTER V A FIERCE DISCIPLINARIAN Diamonds used to punish children--Face object of attacks-- Grunting and snorting at the royal table--Blood flowing at dinner--My brother jumps out of a window 19 CHAPTER VI LEOPOLD DEFENDS MY HONOR AT HIS PERIL Punished for objecting to familiarities--Awful names I was called--Locked in the room with wicked teacher--Defend myself with burning lamp--My brother nearly kills my would-be assailant 23 CHAPTER VII PRINCES AND PRINCESSES DANCE TO THE TUNE OF THE WHIP The result shows in the character of rulers--Why English kings and princes are superior to the Continental kind--Leopold's awful revenge--Mother acts the tigress--Her mailed fist--"I forbid Your Imperial Highness to see that dog" 27 CHAPTER VIII PLANNING TO GET A HUSBAND FOR ME Dissecting possible wooers at Vienna--Royalty after money, not character--"He is a Cohen, not a Coburg"--Prince who looked like a Jew counter-jumper in his Sunday best--Balkan princes tabooed by Francis Joseph--A good time for the girls--Army men commanded to attend us 35 CHAPTER IX LOVE-MAKING The fascinating Baron--The man's audacity--Putting the question boldly--Real love-making--_Risqué_ stories for royalty 41 CHAPTER X MY POPULARITY RENDERS GEORGE DYSPEPTIC The Cudgel-Majesty--Prince George's intrigues--No four-horse coach for Princess--Popular demonstration in my favor--"All-highest" displeasure 45 CHAPTER XI SCOLDED FOR BEING POPULAR Entourage spied upon by George's minions--My husband proves a weakling--I disavow the personal compliment--No more intelligent than a king should be 53 CHAPTER XII ROYAL DISGRACE--LIGHTNING AND SHADOWS Ordered around by the Queen--Give thanks to a bully--Jealous of the "mob's" applause--"The old monkey after '_Hochs_'"--Criticizing the "old man"--Royalty's plea for popularity--Proposed punishments for people refusing to love royalty 57 CHAPTER XIII UNSPEAKABLE LITTLENESSES OF PETTY COURTS Another quarrel with my husband--Personal attendant to a corpse--Killing by pin pricks--The mythical three "_How art thou's?_"--Unwanted sympathy from my inferiors--Pride of the decapitated Queen of France is in me--Lovers not impossible--Court to blame for them--My husband acts cowardly--Brutalizes my household--I lock myself in 63 CHAPTER XIV IMPERIAL RUSSIAN ETHICS TRANSFERRED TO DRESDEN My husband's reported escapade--Did he give diamonds to a dancing girl?--His foolish excuses--"I am your pal"--A restaurant scene in St. Petersburg--The birthday suit 71 CHAPTER XV ROYALTY NOT PRETTY, AND WHY Fecundity royal women's greatest charm--How to have beautiful children 77 CHAPTER XVI MORE JEALOUSIES OF THE GREAT Men and women caress me with their eyes--Some disrespectful sayings and doings of mine--First decided quarrel with Frederick Augustus--I go to the theatre in spite of him 81 CHAPTER XVII THE ROYAL PRINCE, WHO BEHAVES LIKE A DRUNKEN BRICKLAYER I face the music, but my husband runs away--Prince George can't look me in the eye--He roars and bellows--Advocates wife-beating--I defy him--German classics--"Jew literature" _Auto da fé_ ordered 85 CHAPTER XVIII I DEFY THEM Laughter and pleasant faces for me--Frederick Augustus refuses to back me, but I don't care--We quarrel about my reading--He professes to gross ignorance 91 CHAPTER XIX ATTEMPTED VIOLENCE DEFEATED BY FIRMNESS Frederick Augustus seeks to carry out his father's brutal threats--Orders and threats before servants--I positively refuse to be ordered about--Frederick Augustus plays Mrs. Lot--Enjoying myself at the theatre 95 CHAPTER XX TITLED SERVANTS LOW AND CUNNING George tries to rob me of my confidante--Enter the King's spy, Baroness Tisch in her true character--Punishment of one royal spy 99 CHAPTER XXI BANISHMENT I am ordered to repair to a country house with the hated spy as my Grand Mistress--My first impulse to go home, but afraid parents won't have me 103 CHAPTER XXII "POOR RELATIONS" IN ROYAL HOUSES Myself and Frederick Augustus quarrel and pound table--The Countess Cosel's golden vessel--Off to Brighton--Threat of a beating--I provoke shadows of divorce--King threatens force--More defiance on my part--I humble the King and am allowed to invite my brother Leopold 105 CHAPTER XXIII A SERVANT-TYRANT My correspondence is not safe from the malicious woman appointed Grand Mistress--Lovers at a distance and by correspondence--Fell in love with a leg 115 CHAPTER XXIV MORE TYRANNY OF A TITLED SERVANT My daily papers seized, and only milk-and-water clippings are submitted--"King's orders"--Grand Mistress's veracity doubted--My threats of suspension cow her 119 CHAPTER XXV THE TWO BLACK SHEEP OF THE FAMILY UNITED Leopold upon my troubles and his own--Imperial Hapsburgs that, though Catholics, got divorces or married divorced women--Books that are full of guilty knowledge, according to royalty--A mud-hole lodging for one Imperial Highness--Leopold's girl--What I think of army officers' wives--Their anonymous letters--Leopold's money troubles--We will fool our enemies by feigning obedience 123 CHAPTER XXVI FREDERICK AUGUSTUS CONTINUES VERY RAW Manners _à la_ barracks natural to royal princes--Names I am called--My ladies scandalized--Leopold turned over a new leaf, according to agreement, and is well treated--The King grateful to me for having "influenced Leopold to be good" 129 CHAPTER XXVII PRINCE MAX MAKES LOVE TO ME Wants me to consult him on all spiritual matters--Warns me against the Kaiser, the heretic bishop--Princes as ill-mannered as Russian-Jew up-starts 133 CHAPTER XXVIII THE SHAH OF PERSIA FALLS IN LOVE WITH ME The "animal" and his show of diamonds and rubies--Overcome by love he treats me like a lady of the harem--On the defensive--The King of kings an ill-behaved brute--Eats like a pig and affronts Queen--Wiped off greasy hands on my state robe--When ten thousand gouged-out eyes carpeted his throne--Offers of jewels--"Does he take me for a ballet girl?"
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--The Shah almost compromises me--King, alarmed, abruptly ends dinner--I receive presents from him 135 CHAPTER XXIX THE SHAH COMPROMISES ME IN PUBLIC Has only eyes for me at the grand manoeuvres, and I can't drive him from my carriage--Ignores the King and the military spectacle--Calls me his adored one--Court in despair--Shah ruins priceless carpets to make himself a lamb stew 139 CHAPTER XXX MY LIFE AT COURT BECOMES UNBEARABLE Laughter a crime--Disappointed Queen lays down the law for my behavior--Frederick Augustus sometimes fighting drunk--Draws sword on me--Prince George would have me beaten--To bed with his boots on 143 CHAPTER XXXI PRISON FOR PRINCES THAT OPPOSE THE KING Duke of Saxony banished--Cut off from good literature even--Anecdote concerning the Grand Dauphin and his "kettledrums"--A royal prince's garrison life--His association with lewd women 147 CHAPTER XXXII PRINCE GEORGE SHOWN THE DOOR BY GRAND-DUCHESS MELITA A royal lady who walks her garden attired in a single diaphanous garment--Won't stand for any meddling--Called impertinent--My virtuous indignation assumed--A flirtation at a distance--An audacious lover--The Grand Mistress hoodwinked--Matrimonial horns for Kaiser--The banished Duke dies--Princes scolded like school-boys 151 CHAPTER XXXIII MELITA'S LOVE AFFAIRS AND MINE The Grand Duchess tells me how she cudgeled George--Living dictaphone employed--Shows him who is mistress of the house--Snaps fingers in Prince George's face--Debate about titles--"A sexless thing of a husband"--Conference between lover and husband--Grand Duke doesn't object to his wife's lover, but lover objects to "his paramour being married" 157 CHAPTER XXXIV MORE ABOUT THE SWEET ROYAL FAMILY LIFE "Closed season" for petty meannesses--A prince who enjoys himself like a pig--Why princes learn trades--A family dinner to the accompaniment of threats and smashing of table--The Duke's widow and children robbed of their inheritance by royal family--King confiscates testament 163 CHAPTER XXXV FLIRTATION DEVELOPS INTO LOVE At the theatre--My adorer must have felt my presence--Forgot his diplomacy--The mute salute--His good looks--His mouth a promise of a thousand sweet kisses--Our love won't be any painted business 169 CHAPTER XXXVI COUNT BIELSK MAKES LOVE TO THE CROWN PRINCESS Fearless to indiscretion--He "thou's" me--Puts all his chances on one card--Proposes a rendezvous--Shall I go or shall I not go?--Peril if I go and peril if I don't 171 CHAPTER XXXVII RAPID LOVE MAKING IN THE BOIS A discreet maid--"Remove thy glove"--Kisses of passion, pure kisses, powerful kisses--I see my lover daily--Countess Barnello offers "doves' nest"--Driving to rendezvous in state--"Naughty Louise," who makes fun of George 177 CHAPTER XXXVIII "IN LOVE THERE ARE NO PRINCESSES, ONLY WOMEN" A diplomatic trick--Jealous of Romano's past--The pact for life and the talisman--If there were a theatre fire the talisman would discover our love to the King--Some ill-natured reflections--Bernhardt's escapades cover up my tracks--The "black sheep" jumps his horse over a coffin--King gives him a beating--Bernhardt's mess-room lingo--Anecdotes of royal voluptuaries--Forces animals to devour each other--Naked ballet-girls as horses--Abnormals rule the world 183 CHAPTER XXXIX MY PUNISHMENT I lose my lover--Quarrels with me because I did my duty as a mother--Royalty extols me for the same reason---My pride of kingship aroused by Socialist scribblers--Change my opinion as to Duke's widow--Parents arrive--Father and his alleged astrolatry--His finances disarranged by alimony payments--My uncle, the Emperor, rebukes mother harshly for complaining of _roué_ father 193 CHAPTER XL A PLEBEIAN LOVER In need of a friend--My physician offers his friendship--I discover that he loves me, but he will never confess--I give him encouragement--We manage to persuade the King to further our intrigue--Not a bit repentant of my peccadilloes--Very submissive--Introduced to my lover's wife 199 CHAPTER XLI AN ATROCIOUS ROYAL SCANDAL A royal couple that shall be nameless--The voluptuous Duchess--Her husband the worst of degenerates--"What monsters these royalties be"--Nameless outrages--A Duchess forced to have lovers--Ferdinand and I live like married folk--Duchess feared for her life--Her husband murdered her--I scold and humiliate my overbearing Grand Mistress--The medical report too horrible to contemplate 205 CHAPTER XLII I LOSE ANOTHER OF MY LOVERS Happily no scandal--Rewarded for bearing children--$1250--for becoming a mother--Royal poverty--Bernhardt, the black sheep, in hot water again--The King rebukes me for taking his part 213 CHAPTER XLIII THE CROWN PRINCESS QUELLS A RIOT Asked to play the coward, and I refuse--A hostler who would die for a look from me--Hostler marriages in royal houses--Anecdotes and unknown facts concerning royal ladies and their offspring--Refuse police escort and rioters acclaim me--Whole royal family proud of my feat 219 CHAPTER XLIV THE NEW LOVER, AND "I PLAY THE HUSSY FOR FAIR" Who is that most exquisite _Vortänzer?_--A lovely boy--"Blush, good white paper"--I long for Henry--My eyes reflect love--"I must see you tonight.
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"I must know, before dinner, who gave the Dolores woman the new jewelry she is displaying; likewise whether His Royal Highness is sweet on that hussy.
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He paws me over like a prize cow, and as the fourteenth Louis esteemed his mistress's chamber-women no more worthy of notice than her lap-dogs, so Frederick Augustus makes love _à la_ barracks before the Schoenberg, Countess von Minckwitz, or whatever other lady is in attendance.
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CHAPTER XXVII PRINCE MAX MAKES LOVE TO ME Wants me to consult him on all spiritual matters--Warns me against the Kaiser, the heretic bishop--Princes as ill-mannered as Russian-Jew up-starts.
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Like a true Oriental potentate, he wasted not a minute's time on the Queen and my sisters-in-law, but began making love to me as soon as he entered.
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She was never pretty, never was made love to, never had admirers, legitimate or otherwise; she thus became impregnated with the fixed idea that to be fair and to be loved for one's fairness is frivolous, if not altogether reprehensible.
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CHAPTER XXXVI COUNT BIELSK MAKES LOVE TO THE CROWN PRINCESS Fearless to indiscretion--He "thou's" me--Puts all his chances on one card--Proposes a rendezvous--Shall I go or shall I not go?--Peril if I go and peril if I don't.
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CHAPTER XLIV THE NEW LOVER, AND "I PLAY THE HUSSY FOR FAIR" Who is that most exquisite _Vortänzer_?--A lovely boy--"Blush, good white paper"--I long for Henry--My eyes reflect love--"I must see you tonight.
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Ah, I was the hussy for fair!
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He drank with Frederick Augustus, made love to Lucretia and squeezed the chambermaids on his floor to his heart's content.
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The hussy affected a humble tone, but the note of triumph and hatred underlying the creature's meekness did not escape me.
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FOOTNOTES: [Footnote 7: Queens seem to like this unseemly comparison: "Am I a kennel-dog in the estimation of the Bastard of England?" cried Mary of Scots, when Queen Elizabeth refused her safe-conduct through England upon her departure from France (Summer 1561).]