Vulgar words in The Ten Pleasures of Marriage - and the Second Part, The Confession of the New Married Couple (Page 1)
This book at a glance
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~ ~ ~ Sentence 36 ~ ~ ~
From the literary point of view, it is a near descendant--collateral, if not direct, and anyhow based on the same English empirical humour of life--of Thomas Overbury's _A Wife_ (1614--only one unique copy of this is known to exist), John Earle's _Microcosmographie_ (1628), in prose, and Thomas Bastard's _Chrestoleros_* (1598), in verse.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 148 ~ ~ ~
First, Gentleman-like, they take pleasure in all manner of noble exercises, as in keeping time all dancing, singing of musick, playing upon instruments, speaking of several languages, studying at the best Universities, and conversing with the learnedst Doctors, &c. or else we see them, before they are half perfect in any exercise, like carl-cats in March run mewing and yawling at the doors of young Gentlewomen; and if any of those have but a small matter of more then ordinary beauty, (which perhaps is gotten by the help of a damn'd bewitched pot of paint) she is immediately ador'd like a Saint upon an Altar: And in an instant there is as much beauty and perfection to be seen in her, as ever Juno, Venus and Pallas possessed all together.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 455 ~ ~ ~
And these things are more predominant, when there is a cunning slut of a Maid, that knows but how to serve and flatter her Mistris well, getting her by that means upon her side: in such cases you'l generally see two maids where one might serve, or else a Chair-woman; the one to do all the course work, the other to run of errands and lend a helping hand (if she hath a mind to it) that all things may the sooner be set in order; & she then with her Mistris may go a gadding.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 709 ~ ~ ~
_Published by the Navarre Society, London._] What a pleasure is it for him that he sees Mistris _Do-all_ attending the Midwife, and giving her all manner of warmed beds and other Clouts, the number and names whereof are without end; and that Mistris _Swift-hand_ & Mistris _Fair-arse_ are tumbling all things topsie-turvy forsooth to seek and prepare in a readiness all those things that are most necessary for the Child; but little doth he think that they do it more to be peeping into every hole and corner, and to have a full view of all the Child-bed linnen, then out of needfull assistance?
~ ~ ~ Sentence 796 ~ ~ ~
Their eys will fly into every nook and corner; nay the very house of Office must be extraordinary neat and clean; for Mistris _Foul-arse_, Gossip _Order-all_, and Goody _Dirty-buttocks_, will be peeping into every crevise and cranny: And because they will do it forsooth, according to their fashion, they make a shew as if they must go to the necessary Chamber, with a Letter to _Gravesend_, only to take an inspection whether it be as cleanly there as it is upon the Gossipping Chamber where all the Guests are.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 862 ~ ~ ~
Riches, Sweetheart, doth not consist in multiplicity of Goods, but in content; & there's no one better satisfied than a Souldier, therefore you shall alwaies see an honest Souldier look plump and fat, just as I do: but Drunkards and Whore-masters fall away miserably, &c. In short, the Maid begun a little to listen to him (and so much the more, because that very morning she had a falling out with her Mistris) and told him, she would take it into consideration.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 879 ~ ~ ~
_Barebeard_ coming then with _Mall_ before his Grace, complained that he did already perceive his intended marriage would never come to a good event, because he found perfectly that this Maid was a lumpish Jade, a nasty Slut, a Scolding, bawling Carrion, & a restless peece of mortality.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,450 ~ ~ ~
Just as Xantippe did, who was Socrates's wife, think that she had reason enough on her side to scold, brawl at, and abuse that wise and good natured Philosopher, and to dash him in the face with a whole stream of her hot Marish piss.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,558 ~ ~ ~
'Tis true, you will meet with some jeering prattle-arses, that will say, is this that brave couple, that there was such a noise made of when they were married!
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,610 ~ ~ ~
Here also the imaginations of incapableness or want of monies must be conquered; for to constrain a son to that he hath no mind to, is the ready way to dull his genious, and perhaps bring him to what is worser, to wit, running after whores or Gaming.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,611 ~ ~ ~
And to teach him how to live upon his yearly means, the tools are too damn'd costly.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,696 ~ ~ ~
If yours act then the part of a liberal Son, or wanton Student, rejoice therein that you have not brought forth a dunce or blockhead; but since his Doctor saith that he is sharp-witted, and a hopefull youth; doubt not, but that you will, when he comes to his seriouser years, with delight and pleasure see him to be a great man.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,733 ~ ~ ~
And Mistriss Sayall, and Goody Busiebody, seem to be as if they were sisters cast in one Mould; for the one knows how to blow the simple wenches ears full; and the t'other, worse then a Bawd, makes them cross-grain'd; and keep both of them a school for ill-natured Wenches, and lazy sluts, to natter, to exhort, and to exasperate in; yet these half Divel-drivers, carry themselves before the Mistresses like Saints; but do indeed, shew themselves to be the most deceitfullest cheats, who carry alwaies fire in one hand and water in the t'other.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,741 ~ ~ ~
For many are damnably liquorish tooth'd, everlasting Tattlesters, lazy Ey-servants, salt Bitches, continual Mumblers out of their Pockets, wicked Scolds, lavish Drones, secret Drinckers, stifnecked Dunces, Tyrants over Children, Stinking Sluts, Mouldy Brain'd trugs; hellish sottish Gipsies; nay and sometimes both Whorish and Theevish; and must, therefore, not have come into consideration here, if they did not so especially belong to the disconsolations of Marriage; occasioning many times more troubles and disquiets in a Family, then all the rest of the adversities that may befall it.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,743 ~ ~ ~
And is also ashamed that the Neighbors should see every foot a new Maid upon her flore; who by an evil nature, are ready to beleeve the worst of their fellow neighbours, what is told them by a tale-carrying, long-tongued Slut of a Maid; though they many times observe how wickedly they are plagued with their own.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,784 ~ ~ ~
Here you ought to come, O restless Lovers, to behold your selves in these two darlings; you, who in your wooing are also possessed with jealousie, if you see that another obtains access to your Mistriss; or who, perhaps as wel as you, doth but once kiss the knocker of the dore, or cause an Aubade to be plaied under her Chamber Window: Look sharply about you, and behold how these Aubades decline, or whether it be worth your while to give your Rival the Challenge; or to stab, poison, or drown'd your self, to shew, by such an untimely death, the love you had for her; and on your Grave, bear this Epitaph, that through damn'd jealousie you murthered your self.