Vulgar words in A Select Collection of Old English Plays, Volume 9 (Page 1)
This book at a glance
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What a circumstance Doth he begin with; what an ass is he, To tell her at the first that she is fair; The only means to make her to be coy!
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_Vitrum_ glass, _spica_ grass, _tu es asinus_, you are an ass.
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Marry, come up, you blockhead!
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you great ass!
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I knew the wench that is become his bride, And smil'd to think how deeply he had lied; For first he swore he did not court a maid; A wife he could not, she was elsewhere tied; And as for such as widows were, he said, And deeply swore none such should be his bride: Widow, nor wife, nor maid--I ask'd no more, Knowing he was betroth'd unto a whore.
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What, you jeering ass!
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Who blurs fair paper with foul bastard rhymes, Shall live full many an age in latter times: Who makes a ballad for an alehouse door, Shall live in future times for evermore: Then ( ) thy muse shall live so long, As drafty ballads to thy praise are sung.
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What, Monsieur Kinsayder, lifting up your leg, and pissing against the world?
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As for these, they have some of them been the old hedge-stakes of the press; and some of them are, at this instant, the bots and glanders of the printing-house: fellows that stand only upon terms to serve the term, with their blotted papers, write, as men go to stool, for needs; and when they write, they write as a bear pisses, now and then drop a pamphlet.
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But this Belvidere, this methodical ass, hath made me almost forget my time; I'll now to Paul's Churchyard; meet me an hour hence at the sign of the Pegasus in Cheapside, and I'll moist thy temples with a cup of claret, as hard as the world goes.
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O, how it grieves my vexed soul to see Each painted ass in chair of dignity!
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Will, then, this golden ass bestow a vicarage gilded?
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Shall an ass this vicarage compass?
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She is thy Io, thou her brazen ass, Or she Dame Phantasy, and thou her gull; She thy Pasiphae, and thou her loving bull.
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He hath your greyhound, your mongrel, your mastiff, your levrier, your spaniel, your kennets, terriers, butchers' dogs, bloodhounds, dunghill-dogs, trundle-tails, prick-eared curs, small ladies' puppies, raches, and bastards.
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What a bawdy knave hath he to his father, that keeps his Rachel, hath his bastards, and lets his sons be plain ladies' puppies to bewray a lady's chamber.
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What, half a mess of good qualities referred to an ass' head?
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Faith, he were an excellent subject for two or three good wits: he would make a fine ass for an ape to ride upon.
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O, they are pestilent fellows, they speak nothing but bodkins, and piss vinegar.
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Ass as I was, to read a piece of Aristotle in Greek yesternight; it hath put me out of my English vein quite.
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That old Sir Raderic, that new printed compendium of all iniquity, that hath not aired his country chimney once in three winters; he that loves to live in an old corner here at London, and affect an old wench in a nook; one that loves to live in a narrow room, that he may with more facility in the dark light upon his wife's waiting-maid; one that loves alike a short sermon and a long play; one that goes to a play, to a whore, to his bed, in circle: good for nothing in the world but to sweat nightcaps and foul fair lawn shirts, feed a few foggy servingmen, and prefer dunces to livings--this old Sir Raderic, Furor, it shall be thy task to cudgel with thy thick, thwart terms; marry, at the first, give him some sugarcandy terms, and then, if he will not untie purse-strings of his liberality, sting him with terms laid in aquafortis and gunpowder.
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To bear too long, argues an ass's kind.
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The great projector of the thunderbolts, He that is wont to piss whole clouds of rain Into the earth, vast gaping urinal, Which that one-ey'd subsizer of the sky, Dan Phoebus, empties by calidity; He and his townsmen planets brings to thee Most fatty lumps of earth's fecundity.
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I am the bastard of great Mercury, Got on Thalia when she was asleep: My gaudy grandsire, great Apollo hight, Born was, I hear, but that my luck was ill, To all the land upon the forked hill.
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You that are one of the devil's fellow-commoners; one that sizeth the devil's butteries, sins, and perjuries very lavishly; one that are so dear to Lucifer, that he never puts you out of commons for nonpayment; you that live, like a sumner, upon the sins of the people; you whose vocation serves to enlarge the territories of hell that, but for you, had been no bigger than a pair of stocks or a pillory; you, that hate a scholar because he descries your ass's ears; you that are a plague-stuffed cloak-bag of all iniquity, which the grand serving-man of hell will one day truss up behind him, and carry to his smoky wardrobe.
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And you, Master Amoretto, that art the chief carpenter of sonnets, a privileged vicar for the lawless marriage of ink and paper, you that are good for nothing but to commend in a set speech, to colour the quantity of your mistress's stool, and swear it is most sweet civet; it's fine, when that puppet-player Fortune must put such a Birchen-Lane post in so good a suit, such an ass in so good fortune!
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you're a very ass.
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Gripe takes me for his faithful friend, Imparts to me the secrets of his heart; And Plod-all thinks I am as true a friend To every enterprise he takes in hand, As ever breath'd under the cope of heaven: But damn me if they find it so.
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Nay, damn me, if I be: by heav'ns, sweet nymph, I am not!
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Master Churms, Methinks 'tis strange you should make such a motion: Say, I should yield and grant you love, When most you did expect a sunshine day, My father's will would mar your hop'd-for hay; And when you thought to reap the fruits of love, His hard constraint would blast it in the bloom: For he so doats on Peter Plod-all's pelf, That none but he forsooth must be the man: And I will rather match myself Unto a groom of Pluto's grisly den, Than unto such a silly golden ass.
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No craving, subtle whore or shameless bawd, Nor stubborn clown or daring parasite, No lying servant or bold sycophant.
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What were you talking even now of an ass, and a crown, and an urinal, and a plague?
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I say such a one was a very ass.
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A rich pudding-wife or a cobbler cannot die but I must immortalise his name with an epitaph; a dog cannot piss in a nobleman's shoe, but it must be sprinkled into the chronicles; so that I never could remember my treasure more full, and never emptier of honourable and true heroical actions.
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Hang him, blockhead!
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Item, That she's a common whore, and lets every one lie with her.
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I dare not trust these secrets to the earth, E'er since she brought forth reeds, whose babbling noise Told all the world of Midas' ass's ears.
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Fetch an ass to keep you company.
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make an ass of me?
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I am young, fair, rich, honest, virtuous, Yet for all this, whoe'er shall marry me, I'm but his whore, live in adultery.
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I cannot step into the path of pleasure For which I was created, born unto: Let me live ne'er so honest, rich or poor, If I once wed, yet I must live a whore.
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And though that I should vow a single life To keep my soul unspotted, yet will he Enforce me to a marriage: So that my grief doth of that weight consist, It helps me not to yield nor to resist; And was I then created for a whore?
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But hark, what thou hast got by it: Thy wife is but a strumpet, thy children bastards, Thyself a murderer, thy wife accessory, Thy bed a stews, thy house a brothel.
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Then fill our heads with wine Till every pate be drunk, then piss i'the street, Jostle all you meet, And swagger with a punk_-- As thou wilt do now and then: thank me, thy good master, that brought thee to it.
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_To them that make land fly, By wines, whores, and a die: To them that only thrives By kissing others' wives: To them that pay for clothes With nothing but with oaths: Care not from whom they get, So they may be in debt.
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But who their tailors pay, Borrow, and keep their day, We'll hold him like this glass, A brainless, empty ass, And not a mate for us_.
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Piss in thy way, and that's no slander.
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Whore, ay, and jade.
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I, that could not abide a woman, but to make her a whore, hated all she-creatures, fair and poor; swore I would never marry but to one that was rich, and to be thus coney-catched!
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out of my doors, whore!
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who's so desperate To damn himself by killing of himself?
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I'll mark thee for a strumpet, and thy bastards-- BUT.
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Yes, goodman slave, you shall be master, Lie with my wife, and get more bastards; do, do, do.
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 [i.e., A blockhead, a fool.--_Steevens_.]