Vulgar words in My Novel — Complete (Page 1)
This book at a glance
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"That your forefathers were great blockheads, and that their descendant is not a whit the wiser."
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"But after all, he is not an ass of the parish; he is a vagrant, and he ought to be pounded.
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"Cospetto!" said he,--"he who scrubs the head of an ass wastes his soap."
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why, that must be a hundred thousand--blockhead that I am!--more than L150,000 Milanese!"
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"Semminating--" "Disseminating, you blockhead,--disseminating what?"
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"Damn the stocks," began Mr. Stirn, plunging right in medias res, and by a fine use of one of the noblest figures in rhetoric.
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"Mr. Stirn!" cried the squire, reddening, "did you say, 'Damn the stocks'?--damn my new handsome pair of stocks!"
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The parson write 'Damn the stocks,' indeed!
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Well, then, shall I have no power to oust this blockhead?
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Then there are all the titles of early Romance itself at your disposal,--'Theagenes and Chariclea' or 'The Ass' of Longus, or 'The Golden Ass' of Apuleius, or the titles of Gothic Romance, such as 'The most elegant, delicious, mellifluous, and delightful History of Perceforest, King of Great Britain.'"
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'Damn the stocks,' indeed!"
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What's the matter, Lenny, you blockhead?"
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"Mr. Caxton," replied Squills, obviously flattered, "you are quite right: when a man makes love, the organs of self-esteem and desire of applause are greatly stimulated, and therefore, of course, he sets himself off to the best advantage.
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It is only, as you observe, when, like Shakspeare's lover, he has given up making love as a bad job, and has received that severe hit on the ganglions which the cruelty of a mistress inflicts, that he neglects his personal appearance: he neglects it, not because he is in love, but because his nervous system is depressed.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 4,571 ~ ~ ~
At this day, there is a vast increase of knowledge spread over all society, compared with that in the Middle Ages; but is there not a still greater distinction between the highly educated gentleman and the intelligent mechanic, than there was then between the baron who could not sign his name and the churl at the plough; between the accomplished statesman, versed in all historical lore, and the voter whose politics are formed by his newspaper, than there was between the legislator who passed laws against witches and the burgher who defended his guild from some feudal aggression; between the enlightened scholar and the dunce of to-day, than there was between the monkish alchemist and the blockhead of yesterday?
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Peasant, voter, and dunce of this century are no doubt wiser than the churl, burgher, and blockhead of the twelfth.
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But we new men, as they call us (damn their impertinence!)
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"Ah!" he continued, yet more earnestly, while the whole character of his varying countenance changed again,--"ah, if indeed I could discover what I seek,--one who, with the heart of a child, has the mind of a woman; one who beholds in nature the variety, the charm, the never feverish, ever healthful excitement that others vainly seek in the bastard sentimentalities of a life false with artificial forms; one who can comprehend, as by intuition, the rich poetry with which creation is clothed,--poetry so clear to the child when enraptured with the flower, or when wondering at the star!
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Damn the aristocracy!
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Wherefore, though I anticipate an outcry against me on the part of the blockheads, who, strange to say, are the most credulous idolators of Enlightenment, and if knowledge were power, would rot on a dunghill, yet, nevertheless, I think all really enlightened men will agree with me, that when one falls in with detached sharpshooters from the general March of Enlightenment, it is no reason that we should make ourselves a target, because Enlightenment has furnished them with a gun.
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Still, most of the Ten Commandments remain at the core of all the Pandects and Institutes that keep our hands off our neighbours' throats, wives, and pockets; still, every year shows that the parson's maxim--"non quieta movere "--is as prudent for the health of communities as when Apollo recommended his votaries not to rake up a fever by stirring the Lake Camarina; still, people, thank Heaven, decline to reside in parallelograms, and the surest token that we live under a free government is when we are governed by persons whom we have a full right to imply, by our censure and ridicule, are blockheads compared to ourselves!
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Was it consistent with that chivalric and soldierly spirit of honour which the frank nobleman affected, to make love to a woman in mere ruse de guerre?
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"If," said Dick Avenel to himself, as he returned fretfully homeward--"if a man like me, who has done so much for British industry and go-a-head principles, is to be catawampously champed up by a mercenary, selfish cormorant of a capitalist like that interloping blockhead in drab breeches, Tom Dyce, all I can say is, that the sooner this cursed old country goes to the dogs, the better pleased I shall be.
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mon cher, do you think I am a blockhead?"
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"Oh, damn it," cried Spendquick, "but that's too bad,--employing you to get me to pay him!
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Perhaps you will say that, if you had lived two thousand years ago, you might have called it 'The Novel,' or the 'Golden Novel,' as Lucius called his story 'The Ass;' and Apuleius, to distinguish his own more elaborate Ass from all Asses preceding it, called his tale 'The Golden Ass.'