Vulgar words in Hudibras (Page 1)
This book at a glance
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But here our authors make a doubt Whether he were more wise, or stout: 30 Some hold the one, and some the other; But howsoe'er they make a pother, The diff'rence was so small, his brain Outweigh'd his rage but half a grain; Which made some take him for a tool 35 That knaves do work with, call'd a fool, And offer to lay wagers that As MONTAIGNE, playing with his cat, Complains she thought him but an ass, Much more she wou'd Sir HUDIBRAS; 40 (For that's the name our valiant knight To all his challenges did write).
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230 Th' apostles of this fierce religion, Like MAHOMET'S, were ass and pidgeon, To whom our knight, by fast instinct Of wit and temper, was so linkt, As if hypocrisy and nonsense 235 Had got th' advowson of his conscience.
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His strutting ribs on both sides show'd 445 Like furrows he himself had plow'd; For underneath the skirt of pannel, 'Twixt ev'ry two there was a channel His draggling tail hung in the dirt, Which on his rider he wou'd flurt, 450 Still as his tender side he prick'd, With arm'd heel, or with unarm'd kick'd: For HUDIBRAS wore but one spur; As wisely knowing, cou'd he stir To active trot one side of's horse, 455 The other wou'd not hang an arse.
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Thirdly, it is idolatrous; 815 For when men run a whoring thus With their inventions, whatsoe'er The thing be, whether dog or bear, It is idolatrous and pagan, No less than worshipping of DAGON.
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For as when slovens do amiss At others doors, by stool or piss, The learned write, a red-hot spit 235 B'ing prudently apply'd to it, Will convey mischief from the dung Unto the part that did the wrong, So this did healing; and as sure As that did mischief this would cure.
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565 Did they coin piss-pots, bowls, and flaggons, Int' officers of horse and dragoons; And into pikes and musquetteers Stamp beakers, cups, and porringers!
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videlicet, That each man Swore to do his best, To damn and perjure all the rest!
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For though success did not confer Just title on the conqueror; 1005 Though dispensations were not strong Conclusions, whether right or wrong, Although out-goings did confirm, And owning were but a mere term; Yet as the wicked have no right 1010 To th' creature, though usurp'd by might, The property is in the Saint, From whom th' injuriously detain 't; Of him they hold their luxuries, Their dogs, their horses, whores, and dice, 1015 Their riots, revels, masks, delights, Pimps, buffoons, fiddlers, parasites; All which the Saints have title to, And ought t' enjoy, if th' had their due.
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'Mong these the fierce MAGNANO was, And TALGOL, foe to HUDIBRAS; CERDON and COLON, warriors stout, 245 As resolute, as ever fought; Whom furious ORSIN thus bespoke: Shall we (quoth be) thus basely brook The vile affront that paltry ass, And feeble scoundrel, HUDIBRAS, 250 With that more paltry ragamuffin, RALPHO, with vapouring and huffing, Have put upon us like tame cattle, As if th' had routed us in battle?
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Quoth RALPH, I should not, if I were 745 In case for action, now be here: Nor have I turn'd my back, or hang'd An arse, for fear of being bang'd.
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860 A man of war to damn his soul, In basely breaking his parole And when, before the fight, th' had'st vow'd To give no quarter in cold blood Now thou hast got me for a Tartar, 865 To make me 'gainst my will take quarter; Why dost not put me to the sword, But cowardly fly from thy word?
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960 The Knight and Squire first they made Rise from the ground, where they were laid Then mounted both upon their horses, But with their faces to the arses, ORSIN led HUDIBRAS's beast, 965 And TALGOL that which RALPHO prest, Whom stout MAGNANO, valiant CERDON, And COLON, waited as a guard on; All ush'ring TRULLA in the rear, With th' arms of either prisoner.
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Such Church must (surely) be a monster With many heads: for if we conster What in th' Apocalypse we find, 1215 According to th' Apostle's mind, 'Tis that the Whore of Babylon With many heads did ride upon; Which heads denote the sinful tribe Of Deacon, Priest, Lay-Elder, Scribe.
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Quoth he, To bid me not to love, Is to forbid my pulse to move, My beard to grow, my ears to prick up, 345 Or (when I'm in a fit) to hickup: Command me to piss out the moon, And 'twill as easily be done: Love's power's too great to be withstood By feeble human flesh and blood.
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380 Why is't not damn'd and interdicted, For diabolical and wicked?
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It is all philters, and high diet, 455 That makes love rampant, and to fly out: 'Tis beauty always in the flower, That buds and blossoms at fourscore: 'Tis that by which the sun and moon At their own weapons are out-done: 460 That makes Knights-Errant fall in trances, And lay about 'em in romances: 'Tis virtue, wit, and worth, and all That men divine and sacred call: For what is worth in any thing, 465 But so much money as 'twill bring?
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Your only way with me to break 485 Your mind, is breaking of your neck; For as when merchants break, o'erthrown, Like nine-pins they strike others down, So that would break my heart; which done, My tempting fortune is your own, 490 These are but trifles: ev'ry lover Will damn himself over and over, And greater matters undertake For a less worthy mistress' sake: Yet th' are the only ways to prove 495 Th' unfeign'd realities of love: For he that hangs, or beats out's brains, The Devil's in him if he feigns.
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(Eight to the week) for sixpence pay: Your pettifoggers damn their souls, 515 To share with knaves in cheating fools: And merchants, vent'ring through the main, Slight pirates, rocks, and horns, for gain.
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A Persian emp'ror whipp'd his grannam 845 The sea, his mother VENUS came on; And hence some rev'rend men approve Of rosemary in making love.
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Remember how, in arms and politicks, We still have worsted all your holy tricks; 520 Trepann'd your party with intrigue, And took your grandees down a peg; New modell'd th' army, and cashier'd All that to legion SMEC adher'd; Made a mere utensil o' your Church, 525 And after left it in the lurch A scaffold to build up our own, And, when w' had done with't, pull'd it down Capoch'd your Rabbins of the Synod, And snap'd their Canons with a why-not; 530 (Grave Synod Men, that were rever'd For solid face and depth of beard;) Their classic model prov'd a maggot, Their direct'ry an Indian Pagod; And drown'd their discipline like a kitten, 535 On which they'd been so long a sitting; Decry'd it as a holy cheat, Grown out of date, and obsolete; And all the Saints of the first grass As casting foals of Balaam's ass.
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These mounted in a chair-curule, Which moderns call a cucking-stool, 740 March proudly to the river's side, And o'er the waves in triumph ride; Like Dukes of VENICE, who are said The Adriatick Sea to wed; And have a gentler wife than those 745 For whom the State decrees those shows, But both are heathenish, and come From th' whores of Babylon and Rome; And by the Saints should be withstood, As Antichristian and lewd; 750 And as such, should now contribute Our utmost struggling to prohibit.
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760 'Tis ethnic and idolatrous, From heathenism deriv'd to us, Does not the Whore of Babylon ride Upon her horned beast astride Like this proud dame, who either is 765 A type of her, or she of this?
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The Knight was startled with the smell, 825 And for his sword began to feel; And RALPHO, smother'd with the stink, Grasp'd his; when one, that bore a link, O' th' sudden clapp'd his flaming cudgel, Like linstock, to the horse's touch-hole; 830 And straight another, with his flambeaux, Gave RALPHO'S o'er the eye a damn'd blow.
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280 With lute-strings he would counterfeit Maggots that crawl on dish of meat: Quote moles and spots on any place O' th' body, by the index face: Detect lost maiden-heads by sneezing, 285 Or breaking wind of dames, or pissing; Cure warts and corns with application Of med'cines to th' imagination; Fright agues into dogs, and scare With rhimes the tooth-ach and catarrh; 290 Chace evil spirits away by dint Of cickle, horse-shoe, hollow-flint; Spit fire out of a walnut-shell, Which made the Roman slaves rebel; And fire a mine in China here 295 With sympathetic gunpowder.
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Your modern Indian magician Makes but a hole in th' earth to piss in, 610 And straight resolves all questions by't, And seldom fails to be i'th' right.
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Quoth SIDROPHEL, It is no part 675 Of prudence to cry down an art, And what it may perform deny, Because you understand not why (As AVERHOIS play'd but a mean trick To damn our whole art for eccentrick:) 680 For Who knows all that knowledge contains Men dwell not on the tops of mountains, But on their sides, or rising's seat So 'tis with knowledge's vast height.
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Were they not, during all their lives, Most of 'em pirates, whores and thieves; And is it like they have not still 835 In their old practices some skill Is there a planet that by birth Does not derive its house from earth?
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There's but the twinkling of a star Between a man of peace and war; A thief and justice, fool and knave, A huffing officer and a slave; 960 A crafty lawyer and a pick-pocket, A great philosopher and a blockhead; A formal preacher and a player, A learn'd physician and manslayer.
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He play'd the Saltinbancho's part, Transform'd t' a Frenchman by my art He stole your cloak, and pick'd your pocket, Chows'd and caldes'd ye like a blockhead: 1010 And what you lost I can produce, If you deny it, here i' th' house.
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Quoth she, I do remember once I freed you from th' inchanted sconce; And that you promis'd, for that favour, To bind your back to good behaviour, 190 And, for my sake and service, vow'd To lay upon't a heavy load, And what 'twould bear t' a scruple prove, As other Knights do oft make love Which, whether you have done or no, 195 Concerns yourself, not me, to know.
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Quoth she, Some say, the soul's secure 205 Against distress and forfeiture Is free from action, and exempt From execution and contempt; And to be summon'd to appear In th' other world's illegal here; 210 And therefore few make any account Int' what incumbrances they run't For most men carry things so even Between this World, and Hell, and Heaven, Without the least offence to either, 215 They freely deal in all together; And equally abhor to quit This world for both or both for it; And when they pawn and damn their souls, They are but pris'ners on paroles.
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But b'ing a virtuoso, able To smatter, quack, and cant, and dabble, He held his talent most adroit 365 For any mystical exploit; As others of his tribe had done, And rais'd their prices three to one: For one predicting pimp has th' odds Of chauldrons of plain downright bawds.
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Why then (said she,) That SIDROPHEL Has damn'd himself to th' pit of Hell; 410 Who, mounted on a broom, the nag And hackney of a Lapland hag, In quest of you came hither post, Within an hour (I'm sure) at most; Who told me all you swear and say, 415 Quite contrary another way; Vow'd that you came to him to know If you should carry me or no; And would have hir'd him, and his imps, To be your match-makers and pimps, 420 T' engage the Devil on.
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When the more lady sh' is of manours, She's but expos'd to more trepanners, 980 Pays for their projects and designs, And for her own destruction fines; And does but tempt them with her riches, To use her as the Dev'l does witches; Who takes it for a special grace 985 To be their cully for a space, That when the time's expir'd, the drazels For ever may become his vassals: So she, bewitch'd by rooks and spirits, Betrays herself, and all sh' inherits; 990 Is bought and sold, like stolen goods, By pimps, and match-makers, and bawds, Until they force her to convey, And steal the thief himself away.
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1040 These are the highest excellencies Of all your true or false pretences: And you would damn yourselves, and swear As much t' an hostess dowager, Grown fat and pursy by retail 1045 Of pots of beer and bottled ale; And find her fitter for your turn; For fat is wondrous apt to burn; Who at your flames would soon take fire, Relent, and melt to your desire, 1050 And like a candle in the socket, Dissolve her graces int' your pocket.
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But didst thou scourge thy vessel thus, As thou hast damn'd thyself to us?
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1200 I see you take me for an ass: 'Tis true, I thought the trick wou'd pass Upon a woman well enough, As 't has been often found by proof, Whose humours are not to be won, 1205 But when they are impos'd upon.
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1270 What makes y' encroach upon our trade, And damn all others?
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And make those uses serve agen 95 Against the new-enlighten'd men, As fit as when at first they were Reveal'd against the CAVALIER; Damn ANABAPTIST and FANATIC, As pat as Popish and Prelatic; 100 And with as little variation, To serve for any Sect i' th' nation.
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For knaves and fools b'ing near of kin 145 As Dutch Boors are t' a Sooterkin, Both parties join'd to do their best To damn the publick interest, And herded only in consults, To put by one another's bolts; 150 T' out-cant the Babylonian labourers, At all their dialects of jabberers, And tug at both ends of the saw, To tear down Government and Law.
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350 'Mong these there was a politician With more heads than a beast in vision, And more intrigues in ev'ry one Than all the whores of Babylon: So politic, as if one eye 355 Upon the other were a spy, That, to trepan the one to think The other blind, both strove to blink; And in his dark pragmatick way, As busy as a child at play.
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The hollow-hearted, disaffected, And close malignant are detected, Who lay their lives and fortunes down 555 For pledges to secure our own; And freely sacrifice their ears T' appease our jealousies and fears; And yet, for all these providences W' are offer'd, if we had our senses; 560 We idly sit like stupid blockheads, Our hands committed to our pockets; And nothing but our tongues at large, To get the wretches a discharge: Like men condemn'd to thunder-bolts, 565 Who, ere the blow, become mere dolts; Or fools besotted with their crimes, That know not how to shift betimes, And neither have the hearts to stay, Nor wit enough to run away; 570 Who, if we cou'd resolve on either, Might stand or fall at least together; No mean or trivial solace To partners in extreme distress; Who us'd to lessen their despairs, 575 By parting them int' equal shares; As if the more they were to bear, They felt the weight the easier; And ev'ry one the gentler hung, The more he took his turn among.
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670 For though the Whore bends Hereticks With flames of fire, like crooked sticks, Our Schismaticks so vastly differ, Th' hotter th' are, they grow the stiffer; Still setting off their spiritual goods 675 With fierce and pertinacious feuds.
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Indeed, 'th pity you should miss Th' arrears of all your services, And for th' eternal obligation Y' have laid upon th' ungrateful nation, 1040 Be us'd so unconscionably hard, As not to find a just reward, For letting rapine loose, and murther, To rage just so far, but no further; And setting all the land on fire, 1045 To burn't to a scantling, but no higher; For vent'ring to assassinate, And cut the throats, of Church and State, And not be allow'd the fittest men To take the charge of both agen: 1050 Especially, that have the grace Of self-denying, gifted face; Who when your projects have miscarry'd, Can lay them, with undaunted forehead, On those you painfully trepann'd, 1055 And sprinkled in at second hand; As we have been, to share the guilt Of Christian Blood, devoutly spilt; For so our ignorance was flamm'd To damn ourselves, t' avoid being damn'd; 1060 Till finding your old foe, the hangman, Was like to lurch you at back-gammon And win your necks upon the set, As well as ours, who did but bet, (For he had drawn your ears before, 1065 And nick'd them on the self-same score,) We threw the box and dice away, Before y' had lost us, at foul play; And brought you down to rook, and lie, And fancy only, on the by; 1070 Redeem'd your forfeit jobbernoles From perching upon lofty poles; And rescu'd all your outward traitors From hanging up like aligators; For which ingeniously y' have shew'd 1075 Your Presbyterian gratitude: Would freely have paid us home in kind, And not have been one rope behind.
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These spiritual pioneers o' th' Whore's, 1565 That have the charge of all her stores, Since first they fail'd in their designs, To take in Heav'n by springing mines, And with unanswerable barrels Of gunpowder dispute their quarrels, 1570 Now take a course more practicable, By laying trains to fire the rabble, And blow us up in th' open streets, Disguis'd in Rumps, like Sambenites; More like to ruin, and confound, 1575 Than all the doctrines under ground.
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All this quoth RALPH, I did, 'tis true, Not to preserve my self, but you; You, who were damn'd to baser drubs Than wretches feel in powd'ring tubs.
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An old dull sot, who told the clock For many years at Bridewell-dock, At Westminster, and Hicks's-Hall, And Hiccius Doctius play'd in all; 580 Where, in all governments and times, H' had been both friend and foe to crimes, And us'd two equal ways of gaining By hind'ring justice or maintaining; To many a whore gave priviledge, 585 And whipp'd for want of quarteridge: Cart-loads of bawds to prison sent For b'ing behind a fortnight's rent And many a trusty pimp and croney To Puddle-dock for want of money; 590 Engag'd the constable to seize All those that would not break the peace, Nor give him back his own foul words, Though sometimes Commoners or Lords, And kept 'em prisoners of course, 595 For being sober at ill hours; That in the morning he might free Or bind 'em over for his fee; Made monsters fine, and puppet-plays, For leave to practise in their ways; 600 Farm'd out all cheats, and went a share With th' headborough and scavenger; And made the dirt i' th' streets compound For taking up the publick ground; The kennel, and the King's highway, 605 For being unmolested, pay; Let out the stocks, and whipping-post, And cage, to those that gave him most; Impos'd a tax on bakers' ears, And for false weights on chandelers; 610 Made victuallers and vintners fine For arbitrary ale and wine; But was a kind and constant friend To all that regularly offend; As residentiary bawds, 615 And brokers that receive stol'n goods; That cheat in lawful mysteries, And pay church duties and his fees; But was implacable, and awkward, To all that interlop'd and hawker'd.
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589 a And many a trusty Pimp and Croney, &c.] There was a gaol for puny offenders.
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Address and compliment by vision; 115 Make love and court by intuition?
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This, if men rightly understood Their privilege, they wou'd make good; 300 And not, like sots, permit their wives T' encroach on their prerogatives; For which sin they deserve to be Kept, as they are, in slavery: And this some precious Gifted Teachers, 305 Unrev'rently reputed leachers, And disobey'd in making love, Have vow'd to all the world to prove, And make ye suffer, as you ought, For that uncharitable fau't.
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And though some say, the parents' claims 135 To make love in their childrens' names, Who many times at once provide The nurse, the husband, and the bride Feel darts and charms, attracts and flames, And woo and contract in their names; 140 And as they christen, use to marry 'em, And, like their gossips, answer for 'em; Is not to give in matrimony, But sell and prostitute for money; 'Tis better than their own betrothing, 145 Who often do't for worse than nothing; And when th' are at their own dispose, With greater disadvantage choose.
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Dialectico: A philosophical point of argument Dictum factum: No sooner said than done (L.) Disparo: To separate (L.) Donzel: A young page or squire Drazel: A slut Ducatoon: An Italian silver coin, worth about 6 shillings.
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Habergeon: A chain-mail shirt Haut-gousts: Tasty things Headborough: A constable Hiccius Doctius: A nonsense word used by jugglers, conjurers etc., hence, any kind of trick or dishonest dealing Hight: Called, named Hoccamore: Wine from Hochheim, in Germany Horary: Hourly Huckle: The hip Hugonots: French Calvinists Hypocondries: The upper abdomen, between the breastbone and the navel Id est: That is (L.) Idem: The same (L.) Illation: Inference, deduction In eodem subjecto: Thrown together in the same place (L.) In querpo: Naked Jobbernol(e): A thick head or blockhead Jure divino: By God's law (L.) Langued: Heraldic term meaning, with a tongue of a particular colour e.g.
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of the Anglican Church Tantundem dat tantidem: So much of that gives so much of this = they are exactly the same (L.) Tarsel: A male falcon Theorbo: A kind of lute with two necks Totidem verbis: In just as many words (L.) Trapes: Tripes Trepan: To trap Trigon: A set of 3 signs of the Zodiac at 120-degree angles to each other Tussis pro crepitu: A cough for a fart (L.) Velis & remis: By sail and oar (L.) Veni, Vidi, Vici : I came, I saw, I conquered (L.) Versal: Universal Videlicet: That is, viz.