Vulgar words in Diary of Samuel Pepys — Complete (Page 1)

This book at a glance

and shit x 2
arse x 7
ass x 6
bastard x 21
blockhead x 7
buffoon x 1
damn x 4
fart x 3
freaking x 1
god damn x 7
knock up x 3
knocked up x 4
make love x 4
pimp x 8
piss x 7
pissed x 4
shit x 4
slut x 27
snot x 1
turd x 11
whore x 63

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~   ~   ~   Sentence 241   ~   ~   ~

The following description of the duty of the Clerk of the Acts shows the importance of the office, and the statement that if the clerk is not fitted to act as a commissioner he is a blockhead and unfit for his employment is particularly racy, and not quite the form of expression one would expect to find in an official document: "CLERKE OF THE ACTS.

~   ~   ~   Sentence 243   ~   ~   ~

"It hath been objected by some that the Clarke of the Acts ought to be subordinate to the rest of the Commissioners, and not to be joyned in equall power with them, although he was so constituted from the first institution, which hath been an opinion only of some to keep him at a distance, least he might be thought too forward if he had joynt power in discovering or argueing against that which peradventure private interest would have concealed; it is certaine no man sees more of the Navye's Transactions than himselfe, and possibly may speak as much to the project if required, or else he is a blockhead, and not fitt for that imployment.

~   ~   ~   Sentence 783   ~   ~   ~

After he was gone I went home, and found my friends still at cards, and after that I went along with them to Dr. Whores (sending my wife to Mrs. Jem's to a sack-posset), where I heard some symphony and songs of his own making, performed by Mr. May, Harding, and Mallard.

~   ~   ~   Sentence 1,090   ~   ~   ~

Spent a little time this night in knocking up nails for my hat and cloaks in my chamber.

~   ~   ~   Sentence 1,207   ~   ~   ~

Mr. Moore told me of a picture hung up at the Exchange of a great pair of buttocks shooting of a turd into Lawson's mouth, and over it was wrote "The thanks of the house."

~   ~   ~   Sentence 2,419   ~   ~   ~

This morning came on board Mr. Pinkney and his son, going to the King with a petition finely writ by Mr. Whore, for to be the King's embroiderer; for whom and Mr. Saunderson I got a ship.

~   ~   ~   Sentence 2,560   ~   ~   ~

This evening came Mr. John Pickering on board, like an ass, with his feathers and new suit that he had made at the Hague.

~   ~   ~   Sentence 2,815   ~   ~   ~

Walking upon the decks, where persons of honour all the afternoon, among others, Thomas Killigrew (a merry droll, but a gentleman of great esteem with the King), who told us many merry stories: one, how he wrote a letter three or four days ago to the Princess Royal, about a Queen Dowager of Judaea and Palestine, that was at the Hague incognita, that made love to the King, &c., which was Mr. Cary (a courtier's) wife that had been a nun, who are all married to Jesus.

~   ~   ~   Sentence 3,928   ~   ~   ~

Amongst others, it was moved that Phineas Pett (kinsman to the Commissioner) of Chatham, should be suspended his employment till he had answered some articles put in against him, as that he should formerly say that the King was a bastard and his mother a whore.

~   ~   ~   Sentence 5,199   ~   ~   ~

Court attendance infinite tedious Cure of the King's evil, which he do deny altogether Diana did not come according to our agreement Did not like that Clergy should meddle with matters of state Dined with my wife on pease porridge and nothing else Dined upon six of my pigeons, which my wife has resolved to kill Do press for new oaths to be put upon men Drink at a bottle beer house in the Strand Drinking of the King's health upon their knees in the streets Duke of York and Mrs. Palmer did talk to one another very wanton Else he is a blockhead, and not fitt for that imployment Fashionable and black spots Finding my wife's clothes lie carelessly laid up First time I had given her leave to wear a black patch First time that ever I heard the organs in a cathedral Five pieces of gold for to do him a small piece of service Fixed that the year should commence in January instead of March Formerly say that the King was a bastard and his mother a whore Gave him his morning draft Gentlewomen did hold up their heads to be kissed by the King God help him, he wants bread.

~   ~   ~   Sentence 5,202   ~   ~   ~

I was angry with her, which I was troubled for I went to the cook's and got a good joint of meat I was exceeding free in dallying with her, and she not unfree I was a great Roundhead when I was a boy If it should come in print my name maybe at it Ill all this day by reason of the last night's debauch In discourse he seems to be wise and say little In comes Mr. North very sea-sick from shore In perpetual trouble and vexation that need it least Inoffensive vanity of a man who loved to see himself in the glass It not being handsome for our servants to sit so equal with us John Pickering on board, like an ass, with his feathers King do tire all his people that are about him with early rising King's Proclamation against drinking, swearing, and debauchery Kiss my Parliament, instead of "Kiss my [rump]" Kissed them myself very often with a great deal of mirth L100 worth of plate for my Lord to give Secretary Nicholas Learned the multiplication table for the first time in 1661 Learnt a pretty trick to try whether a woman be a maid or no Long cloaks being now quite out Made to drink, that they might know him not to be a Roundhead Montaigne is conscious that we are looking over his shoulder Most of my time in looking upon Mrs. Butler Mottoes inscribed on rings was of Roman origin Much troubled with thoughts how to get money My luck to meet with a sort of drolling workmen on all occasions My new silk suit, the first that ever I wore in my life My wife and I had some high words My wife was very unwilling to let me go forth My wife was making of her tarts and larding of her pullets My Lord, who took physic to-day and was in his chamber Nothing in it approaching that single page in St. Simon Offer me L500 if I would desist from the Clerk of the Acts place Petition against hackney coaches Playing the fool with the lass of the house Posies for Rings, Handkerchers and Gloves Presbyterians against the House of Lords Protestants as to the Church of Rome are wholly fanatiques Put to a great loss how I should get money to make up my cash Resolve to have the doing of it himself, or else to hinder it Sceptic in all things of religion She had six children by the King Show many the strangest emotions to shift off his drink Sit up till 2 o'clock that she may call the wench up to wash Smoke jack consists of a wind-wheel fixed in the chimney So we went to bed and lay all night in a quarrel So I took occasion to go up and to bed in a pet Some merry talk with a plain bold maid of the house Strange thing how I am already courted by the people Strange how civil and tractable he was to me The present Irish pronunciation of English The rest did give more, and did believe that I did so too The ceremonies did not please me, they do so overdo them There being ten hanged, drawn, and quartered This afternoon I showed my Lord my accounts, which he passed This day I began to put on buckles to my shoes Thus it was my chance to see the King beheaded at White Hall To see the bride put to bed To the Swan and drank our morning draft To see Major-general Harrison hanged, drawn; and quartered Upon the leads gazing upon Diana We cannot tell what to do for want of her (the maid) Wedding for which the posy ring was required Went to bed with my head not well by my too much drinking to-day Where I find the worst very good Which I did give him some hope of, though I never intend it Woman that they have a fancy to, to make her husband a cuckold JANUARY 1660-1661 1660-61.

~   ~   ~   Sentence 5,231   ~   ~   ~

But she is such a slut that I do not love her victualls.

~   ~   ~   Sentence 6,311   ~   ~   ~

After supper my father told me of an odd passage the other night in bed between my mother and him, and she would not let him come to bed to her out of jealousy of him and an ugly wench that lived there lately, the most ill-favoured slut that ever I saw in my life, which I was ashamed to hear that my mother should be become such a fool, and my father bid me to take notice of it to my mother, and to make peace between him and her.

~   ~   ~   Sentence 6,943   ~   ~   ~

I took him to Hercules Pillars to drink, and there came Mr. Whore (whom I formerly have known), a friend of his to him, who is a very ingenious fellow, and there I sat with them a good while, and so home and wrote letters late to my Lord and to my father, and then to bed.

~   ~   ~   Sentence 6,953   ~   ~   ~

Only I hear how nurse's husband has spoken strangely of my Lady Batten how she was such a man's whore, who indeed is known to leave her her estate, which we would fain have reconciled to-day, but could not and indeed I do believe that the story is true.

~   ~   ~   Sentence 7,175   ~   ~   ~

At home and the office all the morning, and at noon comes Luellin to me, and he and I to the tavern and after that to Bartholomew fair, and there upon his motion to a pitiful alehouse, where we had a dirty slut or two come up that were whores, but my very heart went against them, so that I took no pleasure but a great deal of trouble in being there and getting from thence for fear of being seen.

~   ~   ~   Sentence 7,265   ~   ~   ~

To the Privy Seal in the morning, but my Lord did not come, so I went with Captain Morrice at his desire into the King's Privy Kitchen to Mr. Sayres, the Master Cook, and there we had a good slice of beef or two to our breakfast, and from thence he took us into the wine cellar where, by my troth, we were very merry, and I drank too much wine, and all along had great and particular kindness from Mr. Sayres, but I drank so much wine that I was not fit for business, and therefore at noon I went and walked in Westminster Hall a while, and thence to Salisbury Court play house, where was acted the first time "'Tis pity Shee's a Whore," a simple play and ill acted, only it was my fortune to sit by a most pretty and most ingenious lady, which pleased me much.

~   ~   ~   Sentence 7,433   ~   ~   ~

All this morning at Pegg Kite's with my uncle Fenner, and two friends of his, appraising her goods that her mother has left; but the slut is like to prove so troublesome that I am out of heart with troubling myself in her business.

~   ~   ~   Sentence 7,632   ~   ~   ~

After dinner, I having drunk a great deal of wine, I went away, seeming to go about business with Sir W. Pen, to my Lady Batten's (Sir William being at Chatham), and there sat a good while, and then went away (before I went I called at home to see whether they were gone, and found them there, and Armiger inviting my wife to go to a play, and like a fool would be courting her, but he is an ass, and lays out money with Tom, otherwise I should not think him worth half this respect I shew him).

~   ~   ~   Sentence 7,914   ~   ~   ~

I have been troubled this day about a difference between my wife and her maid Nell, who is a simple slut, and I am afeard we shall find her a cross-grained wench.

~   ~   ~   Sentence 7,931   ~   ~   ~

So after the Paynter had done I did like the picture pretty well, and my wife and I went by coach home, but in the way I took occasion to fall out with my wife very highly about her ribbands being ill matched and of two colours, and to very high words, so that, like a passionate fool, I did call her whore, for which I was afterwards sorry.

~   ~   ~   Sentence 8,003   ~   ~   ~

Good wine, and anchovies, and pickled oysters (for breakfast) Greedy to see the will, but did not ask to see it till to-morrow Have been so long absent that I am ashamed to go His company ever wearys me I could not forbear to love her exceedingly I took occasion to be angry with him I had the opportunity of kissing Mrs. Rebecca very often I would fain have stolen a pretty dog that followed me I broke wind and so came to some ease I was as merry as I could counterfeit myself to be I went in and kissed them, demanding it as a fee due In men's clothes, and had the best legs that ever I saw Inconvenience that do attend the increase of a man's fortune Instructed by Shakespeare himself Jealousy of him and an ugly wench that lived there lately Justice of God in punishing men for the sins of their ancestors King, Duke and Duchess, and Madame Palmer, were Lady Batten how she was such a man's whore Lady Batten to give me a spoonful of honey for my cold Lately too much given to seeing of plays, and expense Lay with her to-night, which I have not done these eight(days) Lewdness and beggary of the Court Like a passionate fool, I did call her whore Look askew upon my wife, because my wife do not buckle to them Made a lazy sermon, like a Presbyterian Man cannot live without playing the knave and dissimulation My head was not well with the wine that I drank to-day My great expense at the Coronacion My wife and I fell out None will sell us any thing without our personal security given Oliver Cromwell as his ensign Quakers do still continue, and rather grow than lessen Sat before Mrs. Palmer, the King's mistress, and filled my eyes Seemed much glad of that it was no more She hath got her teeth new done by La Roche She would not let him come to bed to her out of jealousy She is a very good companion as long as she is well Sir W. Pen was so fuddled that we could not try him to play So the children and I rose and dined by ourselves So home and to bed, where my wife had not lain a great while So much wine, that I was even almost foxed Sorry in some respect, glad in my expectations in another respec Still in discontent with my wife, to bed, and rose so this morn Strange the folly of men to lay and lose so much money That I might not seem to be afeared The Lords taxed themselves for the poor-an earl, s. The unlawfull use of lawfull things The barber came to trim me and wash me "The Alchymist,"-[Comedy by Ben Jonson The monkey loose, which did anger me, and so I did strike her This week made a vow to myself to drink no wine this week This day churched, her month of childbed being out Those absent from prayers were to pay a forfeit To be so much in love of plays Took occasion to fall out with my wife very highly Took physique, and it did work very well Tory-The term was not used politically until about 1679 Troubled to see my father so much decay of a suddain Vices of the Court, and how the pox is so common there Was kissing my wife, which I did not like We do naturally all love the Spanish, and hate the French We are to go to law never to revenge, but only to repayre We had a good surloyne of rost beefe What they all, through profit or fear, did promise What people will do tomorrow Who seems so inquisitive when my house will be made an end of Who we found ill still, but he do make very much of it Woman with a rod in her hand keeping time to the musique Wronged by my over great expectations JANUARY 1661-1662 January 1st.

~   ~   ~   Sentence 8,067   ~   ~   ~

So home and to read, I being troubled to hear my wife rate though not without cause at her mayd Nell, who is a lazy slut.

~   ~   ~   Sentence 9,492   ~   ~   ~

But strange it is how for her beauty I am willing to construe all this to the best and to pity her wherein it is to her hurt, though I know well enough she is a whore.

~   ~   ~   Sentence 9,613   ~   ~   ~

But the best was of one Mr. Rawlins, a courtier, that was with my Lord; and in the greatest danger cried, "God damn me, my Lord, I won't give you three-pence for your place now."

~   ~   ~   Sentence 10,025   ~   ~   ~

Here I also saw Madam Castlemaine, and, which pleased me most, Mr. Crofts, the King's bastard, a most pretty spark of about 15 years old, who, I perceive, do hang much upon my Lady Castlemaine, and is always with her; and, I hear, the Queens both of them are mighty kind to him.

~   ~   ~   Sentence 10,673   ~   ~   ~

The town, I hear, is full of discontents, and all know of the King's new bastard by Mrs. Haslerigge, and as far as I can hear will never be contented with Episcopacy, they are so cruelly set for Presbytery, and the Bishopps carry themselves so high, that they are never likely to gain anything upon them.

~   ~   ~   Sentence 10,847   ~   ~   ~

Thence to my Lord's, and Mr. Moore being in bed I staid not, but with a link walked home and got thither by 12 o'clock, knocked up my boy, and put myself to bed.

~   ~   ~   Sentence 10,936   ~   ~   ~

Thence walked a good while up and down the gallerys; and among others, met with Dr. Clerke, who in discourse tells me, that Sir Charles Barkeley's greatness is only his being pimp to the King, and to my Lady Castlemaine.

~   ~   ~   Sentence 11,009   ~   ~   ~

I understand, about this bastard.

~   ~   ~   Sentence 11,148   ~   ~   ~

: Afeard of being louzy Afeard that my Lady Castlemaine will keep still with the King Afraid now to bring in any accounts for journeys After taking leave of my wife, which we could hardly do kindly Agreed at L3 a year (she would not serve under) All may see how slippery places all courtiers stand in All made much worse in their report among people than they are All the fleas came to him and not to me Aptness I have to be troubled at any thing that crosses me As much his friend as his interest will let him Badge of slavery upon the whole people (taxes) Bewailing the vanity and disorders of the age Bowling-ally (where lords and ladies are now at bowles) Cannot but be with the workmen to see things done to my mind Care not for his commands, and especially on Sundays Catched cold yesterday by putting off my stockings Charles Barkeley's greatness is only his being pimp to the King Comb my head clean, which I found so foul with powdering Command of an army is not beholden to any body to make him King Deliver her from the hereditary curse of child-bearing Did much insist upon the sin of adultery Discontented at the pride and luxury of the Court Discoursed much against a man's lying with his wife in Lent Enjoy some degree of pleasure now that we have health, money Fanatiques do say that the end of the world is at hand Fear she should prove honest and refuse and then tell my wife Fearing that Sarah would continue ill, wife and I removed God forgive me!

~   ~   ~   Sentence 11,315   ~   ~   ~

Here dined with me Dr. Whore and Mr. Scawen.

~   ~   ~   Sentence 11,322   ~   ~   ~

He, the next day (of which the Duke was warned by somebody that saw the passion my Lord Chesterfield was in the night before), went and told the Duke how much he did apprehend himself wronged, in his picking out his lady of the whole Court to be the subject of his dishonour; which the Duke did answer with great calmness, not seeming to understand the reason of complaint, and that was all that passed but my Lord did presently pack his lady into the country in Derbyshire, near the Peake; which is become a proverb at Court, to send a man's wife to the Devil's arse a' Peake, when she vexes him.

~   ~   ~   Sentence 11,651   ~   ~   ~

Among other talk this evening, my lady did speak concerning Commissioner Pett's calling the present King bastard, and other high words heretofore; and Sir W. Batten did tell us, that he did give the Duke or Mr. Coventry an account of that and other like matters in writing under oath, of which I was ashamed, and for which I was sorry, but I see there is an absolute hatred never to be altered there, and Sir J. Minnes, the old coxcomb, has got it by the end, which troubles me for the sake of the King's service, though I do truly hate the expressions laid to him.

~   ~   ~   Sentence 11,882   ~   ~   ~

When I am confident there is no man almost in the City cares a turd for him, nor hath he brains to outwit any ordinary tradesman.

~   ~   ~   Sentence 12,190   ~   ~   ~

I observed his coat at the tail of his coach he gives the arms of England, Scotland, and France, quartered upon some other fields, but what it is that speaks his being a bastard I know not.

~   ~   ~   Sentence 12,600   ~   ~   ~

This morning it seems Susan, who I think is distracted, or however is since she went from me taught to drink, and so gets out of doors 2 or 3 times a day without leave to the alehouse, did go before 5 o'clock to-day, making Griffin rise in his shirt to let her out to the alehouse, she said to warm herself, but her mistress, falling out with her about it, turned her out of doors this morning, and so she is gone like an idle slut.

~   ~   ~   Sentence 12,618   ~   ~   ~

The King has two of them in his closett, and a third the College of Physicians to keep for rarity, and by the King's command he causes the turd of the horse to be every day searched to find more.

~   ~   ~   Sentence 12,681   ~   ~   ~

It is dedicated almost to all the men of any great condition in England, so that the Epistles are more than the book itself, and both it and them not worth a turd, that I am ashamed that I bought it.

~   ~   ~   Sentence 13,413   ~   ~   ~

They had a kinswoman, they call daughter, in the house, a short, ugly, red-haired slut, that plays upon the virginalls, and sings, but after such a country manner I was weary of it, but yet could not but commend it.

~   ~   ~   Sentence 13,792   ~   ~   ~

I to Mr. Moore; from him came back home again, and drew up an account to my Lord, and that being done met him at my Lord Sandwich's, where I was a good while alone with my Lord; and I perceive he confides in me and loves me as he uses to do, and tells me his condition, which is now very well all I fear is that he will not live within compass, for I am told this morning of strange dotages of his upon the slut at Chelsea, even in the presence of his daughter, my Lady Jem, and Mrs. Ferrets, who took notice of it.

~   ~   ~   Sentence 13,915   ~   ~   ~

And so I to my Lord Crew's, thinking to have dined there, but it was too late, and so back and called at my brother's and Mr. Holden's about several businesses, and went all alone to the Black Spread Eagle in Bride Lane, and there had a chopp of veale and some bread, cheese, and beer, cost me a shilling to my dinner, and so through Fleet Ally, God forgive me, out of an itch to look upon the sluts there, against which when I saw them my stomach turned, and so to Bartholomew Fayre, where I met with Mr. Pickering, and he and I to see the monkeys at the Dutch house, which is far beyond the other that my wife and I saw the other day; and thence to see the dancing on the ropes, which was very poor and tedious.

~   ~   ~   Sentence 13,942   ~   ~   ~

This morning, about two or three o'clock, knocked up in our back yard, and rising to the window, being moonshine, I found it was the constable and his watch, who had found our back yard door open, and so came in to see what the matter was.

~   ~   ~   Sentence 14,391   ~   ~   ~

Ben Jonson, The Devil is an Ass, act v., sc.

~   ~   ~   Sentence 14,504   ~   ~   ~

He tells me how he and Sir H. Bennet, the Duke of Buckingham and his Duchesse, was of a committee with somebody else for the getting of Mrs. Stewart for the King; but that she proves a cunning slut, and is advised at Somerset House by the Queene-Mother, and by her mother, and so all the plot is spoiled and the whole committee broke.

~   ~   ~   Sentence 14,586   ~   ~   ~

Here I met Mr. Howe, and he and I largely about it, and he very soberly acquainted me how things are with my Lord, that my Lord do not do anything like himself, but follows his folly, and spends his time either at cards at Court with the ladies, when he is there at all, or else at Chelsy with the slut to his great disgrace, and indeed I do see and believe that my Lord do apprehend that he do grow less too at Court.

~   ~   ~   Sentence 14,911   ~   ~   ~

To church, where after sermon home, and to my office, before dinner, reading my vowes, and so home to dinner, where Tom came to me and he and I dined together, my wife not rising all day, and after dinner I made even accounts with him, and spent all the afternoon in my chamber talking of many things with him, and about Wheately's daughter for a wife for him, and then about the Joyces and their father Fenner, how they are sometimes all honey one with another and then all turd, and a strange rude life there is among them.

~   ~   ~   Sentence 14,924   ~   ~   ~

This news I confess did much trouble me, but when I did hear how he is come to himself, and hath wholly left Chelsy, and the slut, and that I see he do follow his business, and becomes in better repute than before, I am rejoiced to see it, though it do cost me some disfavour for a time, for if not his good nature and ingenuity, yet I believe his memory will not bear it always in his mind.

~   ~   ~   Sentence 15,120   ~   ~   ~

ETEXT EDITOR'S BOOKMARKS FOR PEPY'S DIARY 1963 COMPLETE: A woman sober, and no high-flyer, as he calls it Academy was dissolved by order of the Pope After oysters, at first course, a hash of rabbits, a lamb After some pleasant talk, my wife, Ashwell, and I to bed After awhile I caressed her and parted seeming friends Again that she spoke but somewhat of what she had in her heart And there, did what I would with her And so to sleep till the morning, but was bit cruelly And so to bed and there entertained her with great content And so to bed, my father lying with me in Ashwell's bed Apprehend about one hundred Quakers At last we pretty good friends Before I sent my boy out with them, I beat him for a lie Being cleansed of lice this day by my wife Better we think than most other couples do Book itself, and both it and them not worth a turd But a woful rude rabble there was, and such noises Compliment from my aunt, which I take kindly as it is unusual Conceited, but that's no matter to me Content as to be at our own home, after being abroad awhile Dare not oppose it alone for making an enemy and do no good Did so watch to see my wife put on drawers, which (she did) Did go to Shoe Lane to see a cocke-fighting at a new pit there Did find none of them within, which I was glad of Dined at home alone, a good calves head boiled and dumplings Dinner was great, and most neatly dressed Dog attending us, which made us all merry again Dr. Calamy is this day sent to Newgate for preaching Duodecimal arithmetique Eat a mouthful of pye at home to stay my stomach Employed by the fencers to play prizes at Enquiring into the selling of places do trouble a great many Every man looking after himself, and his owne lust and luxury Every small thing is enough now-a-days to bring a difference Excommunications, which they send upon the least occasions Expectation of profit will have its force Familiarity with her other servants is it that spoils them all Fear it may do him no good, but me hurt Fearful that I might not go far enough with my hat off Feverish, and hath sent for Mr. Pierce to let him blood Found guilty, and likely will be hanged (for stealing spoons) Found him a fool, as he ever was, or worse Galileo's air thermometer, made before 1597 Give her a Lobster and do so touse her and feel her all over God knows that I do not find honesty enough in my own mind Goes with his guards with him publiquely, and his trumpets Goes down the wind in honour as well as every thing else Great plot which was lately discovered in Ireland Had a good supper of an oxe's cheek Half a pint of Rhenish wine at the Still-yard, mixed with beer Hanged with a silken halter He is too wise to be made a friend of He hoped he should live to see her "ugly and willing" He having made good promises, though I fear his performance His readiness to speak spoilt all How highly the Presbyters do talk in the coffeehouses still I calling her beggar, and she me pricklouse, which vexed me I and she never were so heartily angry in our lives as to-day I do not find other people so willing to do business as myself I slept most of the sermon I was very angry, and resolve to beat him to-morrow Ill humour to be so against that which all the world cries up In some churches there was hardly ten people in the whole church Insurrection of the Catholiques there It must be the old ones that must do any good Jealous, though God knows I have no great reason John has got a wife, and for that he intends to part with him Justice of proceeding not to condemn a man unheard Keep at interest, which is a good, quiett, and easy profit King was gone to play at Tennis Lady Castlemaine hath all the King's Christmas presents Lay long in bed talking and pleasing myself with my wife Lay very long with my wife in bed talking with great pleasure Lay chiding, and then pleased with my wife in bed Liability of a husband to pay for goods supplied his wife Many thousands in a little time go out of England Matters in Ireland are full of discontent Money, which sweetens all things Most flat dead sermon, both for matter and manner of delivery Much discourse, but little to be learned My maid Susan ill, or would be thought so My wife has got too great head to be brought down soon My wife and her maid Ashwell had between them spilled the pot.... No more matter being made of the death of one than another No sense nor grammar, yet in as good words that ever I saw Nor will yield that the Papists have any ground given them Nor would become obliged too much to any Nothing in the world done with true integrity Nothing of any truth and sincerity, but mere envy and design Nothing is to be got without offending God and the King Once a week or so I know a gentleman must go....

~   ~   ~   Sentence 15,121   ~   ~   ~

Opening his mind to him as of one that may hereafter be his foe Out of an itch to look upon the sluts there Pain of the stone, and makes bloody water with great pain Parliament do agree to throw down Popery Pen was then turned Quaker Persuade me that she should prove with child since last night Plague is much in Amsterdam, and we in fears of it here Pride and debauchery of the present clergy Pride himself too much in it Quakers being charmed by a string about their wrists Rabbit not half roasted, which made me angry with my wife Railed bitterly ever and anon against John Calvin Reading my Latin grammar, which I perceive I have great need Reckon nothing money but when it is in the bank Resolve to live well and die a beggar Sad for want of my wife, whom I love with all my heart Saw his people go up and down louseing themselves Scholler, that would needs put in his discourse (every occasion) Scholler, but, it may be, thinks himself to be too much so See how time and example may alter a man See whether my wife did wear drawers to-day as she used to do Sent me last night, as a bribe, a barrel of sturgeon Servant of the King's pleasures too, as well as business She was so ill as to be shaved and pidgeons put to her feet She is conceited that she do well already She used the word devil, which vexed me She begins not at all to take pleasure in me or study to please So home, and mighty friends with my wife again So much is it against my nature to owe anything to any body So home to supper and bed with my father So home, and after supper did wash my feet, and so to bed So neat and kind one to another Softly up to see whether any of the beds were out of order or no Sorry for doing it now, because of obliging me to do the like Sporting in my fancy with the Queen Statute against selling of offices Talk very highly of liberty of conscience Taught my wife some part of subtraction That I might say I saw no money in the paper That he is not able to live almost with her The plague is got to Amsterdam, brought by a ship from Argier The goldsmith, he being one of the jury to-morrow The house was full of citizens, and so the less pleasant Thence by coach, with a mad coachman, that drove like mad There is no passing but by coach in the streets, and hardly that There is no man almost in the City cares a turd for him Therefore ought not to expect more justice from her These young Lords are not fit to do any service abroad They were so false spelt that I was ashamed of them They say now a common mistress to the King Things being dear and little attendance to be had we went away Though it be but little, yet I do get ground every month Through the Fleete Ally to see a couple of pretty [strumpets] To bed with discontent she yielded to me and began to be fond Towzing her and doing what I would, but the last thing of all Upon a small temptation I could be false to her Vexed at my wife's neglect in leaving of her scarf Waked this morning between four and five by my blackbird We having no luck in maids now-a-days Who is over head and eares in getting her house up Whose voice I am not to be reconciled Wife and the dancing-master alone above, not dancing but talking Wine, new and old, with labells pasted upon each bottle With much ado in an hour getting a coach home Would not make my coming troublesome to any Yet it was her fault not to see that I did take them JANUARY 1663-1664 January 1st, Went to bed between 4 and 5 in the morning with my mind in good temper of satisfaction and slept till about 8, that many people came to speak with me.

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Waked this morning by 4 o'clock by my wife to call the mayds to their wash, and what through my sleeping so long last night and vexation for the lazy sluts lying so long again and their great wash, neither my wife nor I could sleep one winke after that time till day, and then I rose and by coach (taking Captain Grove with me and three bottles of Tent, which I sent to Mrs. Lane by my promise on Saturday night last) to White Hall, and there with the rest of our company to the Duke and did our business, and thence to the Tennis Court till noon, and there saw several great matches played, and so by invitation to St. James's; where, at Mr. Coventry's chamber, I dined with my Lord Barkeley, Sir G. Carteret, Sir Edward Turner, Sir Ellis Layton, and one Mr. Seymour, a fine gentleman; were admirable good discourse of all sorts, pleasant and serious.

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Here I saw Mr. Scott, the bastard that married his youngest daughter.

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So homeward, and called at my little milliner's, where I chatted with her, her husband out of the way, and a mad merry slut she is.

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So home to the office, and by and by comes my wife home from the burial of Captain Grove's wife at Wapping (she telling me a story how her mayd Jane going into the boat did fall down and show her arse in the boat), and alone comes my uncle Wight and Mr. Maes with the state of their case, which he told me very discreetly, and I believe is a very hard one, and so after drinking a bottle of ale or two they gone, and I a little more to the office, and so home to prayers and to bed.

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Up, and with my wife, setting her down by her father's in Long Acre, in so ill looked a place, among all the whore houses, that I was troubled at it, to see her go thither.

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My wife called up the people to washing by four o'clock in the morning; and our little girl Susan is a most admirable Slut and pleases us mightily, doing more service than both the others and deserves wages better.

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Up and shaved myself, and then my wife and I by coach out, and I set her down by her father's, being vexed in my mind and angry with her for the ill-favoured place, among or near the whore houses, that she is forced to come to him.

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He is so fond of the Duke of Monmouth, that every body admires it; and he says the Duke hath said, that he would be the death of any man that says the King was not married to his mother: though Alsopp says, it is well known that she was a common whore before the King lay with her.

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But it seems, he says, that the King is mighty kind to these his bastard children; and at this day will go at midnight to my Lady Castlemaine's nurses, and take the child and dance it in his arms: that he is not likely to have his tables up again in his house,-[The tables at which the king dined in public.-B.

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The last night, whether it was from cold I got to-day upon the water I know not, or whether it was from my mind being over concerned with Stanes's business of the platery of the navy, for my minds was mighty troubled with the business all night long, I did wake about one o'clock in the morning, a thing I most rarely do, and pissed a little with great pain, continued sleepy, but in a high fever all night, fiery hot, and in some pain.

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His present clerk that is come in Norman's' room has given him something for his place; that they live high and (as Sir Francis Clerk's lady told his wife) do lack money as well as other people, and have bribes of a piece of sattin and cabinetts and other things from people that deal with him, and that hardly any body goes to see or hath anything done by Sir W. Batten but it comes with a bribe, and that this is publickly true that his wife was a whore, and that he had libells flung within his doors for a cuckold as soon as he was married; that he received L100 in money and in other things to the value of L50 more of Hempson, and that he intends to give him back but L50; that he hath abused the Chest and hath now some L1000 by him of it.

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In the afternoon to my office, where busy again, and by and by came a letter from my father so full of trouble for discontents there between my mother and servants, and such troubles to my father from hence from Cave that hath my brother's bastard that I know not what in the world to do, but with great trouble, it growing night, spent some time walking, and putting care as much as I could out of my head, with my wife in the garden, and so home to supper and to bed.

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About one in the morning I was knocked up by my mayds to come to my wife who is very ill.

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Thence into the Parke, and met and walked with Captain Sylas Taylor, my old acquaintance while I was of the Exchequer, and Dr. Whore, talking of musique, and particularly of Mr. Berckenshaw's way, which Taylor magnifies mightily, and perhaps but what it deserves, but not so easily to be understood as he and others make of it.

~   ~   ~   Sentence 16,751   ~   ~   ~

They have, it seems, lately wrote to the King, to assure him that their setting-out ships were only to defend their fishing-trade, and to stay near home, not to annoy the King's subjects; and to desire that he would do the like with his ships: which the King laughs at, but yet is troubled they should think him such a child, to suffer them to bring home their fish and East India Company's ships, and then they will not care a fart for us.

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He told me, also, the manner of it, of his going home so late [from] drinking with his whore, and manner of having it found out.

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Several at work, among others, one pretty whore brought in last night, which works very lazily.

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And afterwards in White Hall I met him and Mr. Gray, and he spoke to me, and in other discourse, says he, "God damn me, I can answer but for one ship, and in that I will do my part; for it is not in that as in an army, where a man can command every thing."

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But I put him off like an arse, as he is, and so setting my papers and books in order: I home to supper and to bed.

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Slept ill all night, having got a very great cold the other day at Woolwich in [my] head, which makes me full of snot.

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Whore, an Irish business about Sir G. Lane's endeavouring to reverse a decree of the late Commissioners of Ireland in a Rebells case for his land, which the King had given as forfeited to Sir G. Lane, for whom the Sollicitor did argue most angell like, and one of the Commissioners, Baron, did argue for the other and for himself and his brethren who had decreed it.

~   ~   ~   Sentence 18,590   ~   ~   ~

I waked in the morning about 6 o'clock and my wife not come to bed; I lacked a pot, but there was none, and bitter cold, so was forced to rise and piss in the chimney, and to bed again.

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ETEXT EDITOR'S BOOKMARKS, PEPY'S DIARY 1664, COMPLETE: A real and not a complimentary acknowledgment A mad merry slut she is About several businesses, hoping to get money by them After many protestings by degrees I did arrive at what I would All divided that were bred so long at school together All ended in love All the men were dead of the plague, and the ship cast ashore And with the great men in curing of their claps At least 12 or 14,000 people in the street (to see the hanging) Bath at the top of his house Bearing more sayle will go faster than any other ships (multihull) Began discourse of my not getting of children Below what people think these great people say and do But the wench went, and I believe had her turn served Came to bed to me, but all would not make me friends Chatted with her, her husband out of the way Could not saw above 4 inches of the stone in a day Do look upon me as a remembrancer of his former vanity Doubtfull of himself, and easily be removed from his own opinion Drink a dish of coffee Even to the having bad words with my wife, and blows too Expected musique, the missing of which spoiled my dinner Expressly taking care that nobody might see this business done Fear of making her think me to be in a better condition Fear all his kindness is but only his lust to her Feared I might meet with some people that might know me Fetch masts from New England Few in any age that do mind anything that is abstruse Find myself to over-value things when a child Gadding abroad to look after beauties Generally with corruption, but most indeed with neglect God forgive me!

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Helping to slip their calfes when there is occasion Her months upon her is gone to bed Her impudent tricks and ways of getting money How little to be presumed of in our greatest undertakings I had agreed with Jane Welsh, but she came not, which vexed me I do not like his being angry and in debt both together to me I will not by any over submission make myself cheap I slept soundly all the sermon Ill from my late cutting my hair so close to my head In my dining-room she was doing something upon the pott In a hackney and full of people, was ashamed to be seen Ireland in a very distracted condition Irish in Ireland, whom Cromwell had settled all in one corner Jane going into the boat did fall down and show her arse King is mighty kind to these his bastard children King still do doat upon his women, even beyond all shame Lay long caressing my wife and talking Let her brew as she has baked Little children employed, every one to do something Mankind pleasing themselves in the easy delights of the world Meazles, we fear, or, at least, of a scarlett feavour Methought very ill, or else I am grown worse to please Mind to have her bring it home Mrs. Lane was gone forth, and so I missed of my intent My wife was angry with me for not coming home, and for gadding My leg fell in a hole broke on the bridge My wife made great means to be friends, coming to my bedside Never to trust too much to any man in the world New Netherlands to English rule, under the title of New York Not well, and so had no pleasure at all with my poor wife Not when we can, but when we list Not the greatest wits, but the steady man Nothing of the memory of a man, an houre after he is dead!

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Thence home and visited Sir J. Minnes, who continues ill, but is something better; there he told me what a mad freaking fellow Sir Ellis Layton hath been, and is, and once at Antwerp was really mad.

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Anon I went to make water, not dreaming of any thing but my testicle that by some accident I might have bruised as I used to do, but in pissing there come from me two stones, I could feel them, and caused my water to be looked into; but without any pain to me in going out, which makes me think that it was not a fit of the stone at all; for my pain was asswaged upon my lying down a great while before I went to make water.

~   ~   ~   Sentence 19,215   ~   ~   ~

Though a bitter cold day, yet I rose, and though my pain and tenderness in my testicle remains a little, yet I do verily think that my pain yesterday was nothing else, and therefore I hope my disease of the stone may not return to me, but void itself in pissing, which God grant, but I will consult my physitian.

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Thence back, putting in at Dr. Whore's, where I saw his lady, a very fine woman.

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Waked in the morning before 4 o'clock with great pain to piss, and great pain in pissing by having, I think, drank too great a draught of cold drink before going to bed.

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So knocked up my people, and to bed.

~   ~   ~   Sentence 21,054   ~   ~   ~

"But, damn me," said Sir Philip, "will you so and so?"

~   ~   ~   Sentence 21,055   ~   ~   ~

And thus I believe twelve times Sir P. Howard answered him a "damn me," which was a fine way of rhetorique to persuade a Quaker or Anabaptist from his persuasion.

~   ~   ~   Sentence 21,245   ~   ~   ~

But the main thing my Lord wonders at, and condemns the Dane for, is, that the blockhead, who is so much in debt to the Hollander, having now a treasure more by much than all his Crowne was worth, and that which would for ever have beggared the Hollanders, should not take this time to break with the Hollander, and, thereby paid his debt which must have been forgiven him, and got the greatest treasure into his hands that ever was together in the world.

~   ~   ~   Sentence 21,285   ~   ~   ~

Thence back again by my Lord's coach to my Lord Bruncker's house, where I find my Lady Batten, who is become very great with Mrs. Williams (my Lord Bruncker's whore), and there we dined and were mighty merry.

~   ~   ~   Sentence 21,388   ~   ~   ~

That being done I walked to Greenwich, and there to the office pretty late expecting Captain Cocke's coming, which he did, and so with me to my new lodging (and there I chose rather to lie because of my interest in the goods that we have brought there to lie), but the people were abed, so we knocked them up, and so I to bed, and in the night was mightily troubled with a looseness (I suppose from some fresh damp linen that I put on this night), and feeling for a chamber-pott, there was none, I having called the mayde up out of her bed, she had forgot I suppose to put one there; so I was forced in this strange house to rise and shit in the chimney twice; and so to bed and was very well again, and 29th.

~   ~   ~   Sentence 21,834   ~   ~   ~

The bitch pissed and shit a bed, and she was fain to rise and had coals out of my chamber to dry the bed again.

~   ~   ~   Sentence 22,226   ~   ~   ~

I made mighty much of him, but a sorry dull fellow he is, fit for nothing that is ingenious, nor is there a turd of kindnesse or service to be had from him.

~   ~   ~   Sentence 22,583   ~   ~   ~

At Brainford I 'light, having need to shit, and went into an Inne doore that stood open, found the house of office and used it, but saw no people, only after I was in the house, heard a great dogg barke, and so was afeard how I should get safe back again, and therefore drew my sword and scabbard out of my belt to have ready in my hand, but did not need to use it, but got safe into the coach again, but lost my belt by the shift, not missing it till I come to Hampton Court.

~   ~   ~   Sentence 22,689   ~   ~   ~

But in the morning doing of it, and knocking up a nail I did bruise my left thumb so as broke a great deal of my flesh off, that it hung by a little.

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He says the Archbishopp of Canterbury hath been very kind to him, and hath plainly said to him that he and all the world knows the difference between his judgment and brains and the Duke of Albemarle's, and then calls my Lady Duchesse the veryest slut and drudge and the foulest worde that can be spoke of a woman almost.

~   ~   ~   Sentence 23,322   ~   ~   ~

Thence walked to Mr. Pierces, and there dined, I alone with him and her and their children: very good company and good discourse, they being able to tell me all the businesses of the Court; the amours and the mad doings that are there; how for certain Mrs. Stewart do do everything with the King that a mistress should do; and that the King hath many bastard children that are known and owned, besides the Duke of Monmouth.

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