Vulgar words in The Complete Works of Artemus Ward — Part 1: Essays, Sketches, and Letters (Page 1)
This book at a glance
|
~ ~ ~ Sentence 595 ~ ~ ~
Real jewellery is very like sham jewellery after all, and the "Artemus" vein in Charles Browne's mental constitution--the vein of humour, whose source was a strong contempt of all things false, mean, shabby, pretentious, and only external--of bunkum and Barnumisation--must have seen a gigantic speculation realising shiploads of dollars if the Tower could have been taken over to the States, and exhibited from town to town--the Stars and Stripes flying over it--with a four-horse lecture to describe the barbarity of the ancient British Barons and the cuss of chivalry.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 939 ~ ~ ~
My show at present consists of three moral Bares, a Kangaroo (a amoozin little Raskal--t'would make you larf yerself to deth to see the little cuss jump up and squeal) wax figgers of G. Washington Gen. Tayler John Bunyan Capt Kidd and Dr. Webster in the act of killin Dr. Parkman, besides several miscellanyus moral wax statoots of celebrated piruts & murderers, &c., ekalled by few & exceld by none.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 952 ~ ~ ~
My kangaroo is the most larfable little cuss I ever saw.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 984 ~ ~ ~
The fust time was when I undertuk to lick a owdashus cuss who cut a hole in my tent & krawld threw.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,073 ~ ~ ~
"I mean the gay and festiv cuss who calls me a man of sin.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,113 ~ ~ ~
Go it, my gay and festiv cuss!"
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,157 ~ ~ ~
"What under the son are you abowt?" cried I. Sez he, "What did you bring this pussylanermus cuss here fur?" and he hit the wax figger another tremenjis blow on the hed.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,158 ~ ~ ~
Sez I, "You egrejus ass, that air's a wax figger--a representashun of the false 'Postle."
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,269 ~ ~ ~
He don't do nobody no good & is a cuss to society & a pirit on honest peple's corn beef barrils.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,469 ~ ~ ~
So I opened in Kolonial Hall, which was crowded every nite with stujents, &c. Perfesser Finny gazed for hours at my Kangaroo, but when that sagashus but onprincipled little cuss set up one of his onarthly yellins and I proceeded to hosswhip him, the Perfesser objected.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,479 ~ ~ ~
I will retire and do my lasserated hand up in a rag, and meanwhile I request you to meat out summery and severe punishment to the vishus beest," I hosswhipt the little cuss for upwards of 15 minutes.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,526 ~ ~ ~
No man on this footstool can rise & git up & say I ever knowinly injered no man or wimmin folks, while all agree that my Show is ekalled by few and exceld by none, embracin as it does a wonderful colleckshun of livin wild Beests of Pray, snaix in grate profushun, a endliss variety of life-size wax figgers, & the only traned kangaroo in Ameriky-- the most amoozin little cuss ever introjuced to a discriminatin public.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,553 ~ ~ ~
Go home, you low cuss!"
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,610 ~ ~ ~
My show konsists of a serious of wax works, snakes, a paneramy kalled a Grand Movin Diarea of the War in the Crymear, komic songs and the Cangeroo, which larst little cuss continners to konduct hisself in the most outrajus stile.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,617 ~ ~ ~
What sort of sense is thare to King Leer, who goze round cussin his darters, chawin hay and throin straw at folks, and larfin like a silly old koot and makin a ass of hisself ginerally?
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,620 ~ ~ ~
That Jack Fawlstarf is likewise a immoral old cuss, take him how ye may, and Hamlick is as crazy as a loon.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,640 ~ ~ ~
But bitterly did I cuss the day I ever sot foot in the retchid place.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,900 ~ ~ ~
But a low cuss named Iago, who I bleeve wants to git Otheller out of his snug government birth, now goes to work & upsets the Otheller family in the most outrajus stile.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,917 ~ ~ ~
Mrs. Iago cums in just as Otheller has finished the fowl deed & givs him fits right & left, showin him that he has bin orfully gulled by her miserble cuss of a husband.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 2,066 ~ ~ ~
Wall, take the advice of a Amerykin sitterzen, take orf them gownds & don't try to get up a religious fite, which is 40 times wuss nor a prize fite, over Albert Edard, who wants to receive you all on a ekal footin, not keerin a tinker's cuss what meetin house you sleep in Sundays.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 2,270 ~ ~ ~
Square Baxter, who Jenerusly refoozed to take a sent for a bottle of camfire; lawyer Perkinses wife who rit sum versis on the Eppisodes; the Editer of the Baldinsville "Bugle of Liberty," who nobly assisted me in wollupin my Kangeroo, which sagashus little cuss seriusly disturbed the Eppisodes by his outrajus screetchins & kickins up; Mis.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 2,295 ~ ~ ~
It is here, as ushil; and the low cuss who called it a Wacant Lot, and wanted to know why they didn't ornament it with sum Bildins', is a onhappy Outcast in Naponsit.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 2,335 ~ ~ ~
"Wall," the man sed, "it's good for white beans and potatoes, but was regards raisin' wheat, t'ain't worth a damn.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 2,460 ~ ~ ~
Sez I, "You egrejis ass," gittin up & brushin the dust from my eyes, "I'll sign your papers with this bunch of bones, if you don't be a little more keerful how you make my bread basket a depot in the futur.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 2,539 ~ ~ ~
"Sound as a cuss!"
~ ~ ~ Sentence 2,863 ~ ~ ~
A man who clings to a wretchedly paying business, when he can make himself and others near and dear to him fatter and happier by doing something else, is about as near an ass as possible, and not hanker after green grass and corn in the ear.