Vulgar words in The Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy, Gentleman (Page 1)
This book at a glance
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~ ~ ~ Sentence 384 ~ ~ ~
Be it known then, that, for about five years before the date of the midwife's licence, of which you have had so circumstantial an account,-the parson we have to do with had made himself a country-talk by a breach of all decorum, which he had committed against himself, his station, and his office;-and that was in never appearing better, or otherwise mounted, than upon a lean, sorry, jackass of a horse, value about one pound fifteen shillings; who, to shorten all description of him, was full brother to Rosinante, as far as similitude congenial could make him; for he answered his description to a hair-breadth in every thing,-except that I do not remember 'tis any where said, that Rosinante was broken-winded; and that, moreover, Rosinante, as is the happiness of most Spanish horses, fat or lean,-was undoubtedly a horse at all points.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 411 ~ ~ ~
With us, you see, the case is quite different:-we are all ups and downs in this matter;-you are a great genius;-or 'tis fifty to one, Sir, you are a great dunce and a blockhead;-not that there is a total want of intermediate steps,-no,-we are not so irregular as that comes to;-but the two extremes are more common, and in a greater degree in this unsettled island, where nature, in her gifts and dispositions of this kind, is most whimsical and capricious; fortune herself not being more so in the bequest of her goods and chattels than she.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 781 ~ ~ ~
If my hypercritick is intractable, alledging, that two minutes and thirteen seconds are no more than two minutes and thirteen seconds,-when I have said all I can about them; and that this plea, though it might save me dramatically, will damn me biographically, rendering my book from this very moment, a professed Romance, which, before, was a book apocryphal:-If I am thus pressed-I then put an end to the whole objection and controversy about it all at once,-by acquainting him, that Obadiah had not got above threescore yards from the stable-yard, before he met with Dr. Slop;-and indeed he gave a dirty proof that he had met with him, and was within an ace of giving a tragical one too.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,085 ~ ~ ~
When my father was gone with this about a month, there was scarce a phaenomenon of stupidity or of genius, which he could not readily solve by it;-it accounted for the eldest son being the greatest blockhead in the family.-Poor devil, he would say,-he made way for the capacity of his younger brothers.-It unriddled the observations of drivellers and monstrous heads,-shewing a priori, it could not be otherwise,-unless...
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,161 ~ ~ ~
I have cut my thumb quite across to the very bone-curse the fellow-if there was not another man-midwife within fifty miles-I am undone for this bout-I wish the scoundrel hang'd-I wish he was shot-I wish all the devils in hell had him for a blockhead-!
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,204 ~ ~ ~
'By the authority of God Almighty, the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost, and of the undefiled Virgin Mary, mother and patroness of our Saviour, and of all the celestial virtues, angels, archangels, thrones, dominions, powers, cherubins and seraphins, and of all the holy patriarchs, prophets, and of all the apostles and evangelists, and of the holy innocents, who in the sight of the Holy Lamb, are found worthy to sing the new song of the holy martyrs and holy confessors, and of the holy virgins, and of all the saints together, with the holy and elect of God,-May he' (Obadiah) 'be damn'd' (for tying these knots)-'We excommunicate, and anathematize him, and from the thresholds of the holy church of God Almighty we sequester him, that he may be tormented, disposed, and delivered over with Dathan and Abiram, and with those who say unto the Lord God, Depart from us, we desire none of thy ways.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,211 ~ ~ ~
'May the holy choir of the holy virgins, who for the honour of Christ have despised the things of the world, damn him-May all the saints, who from the beginning of the world to everlasting ages are found to be beloved of God, damn him-May the heavens and earth, and all the holy things remaining therein, damn him,' (Obadiah) 'or her,' (or whoever else had a hand in tying these knots.)
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,212 ~ ~ ~
'May he (Obadiah) be damn'd wherever he be-whether in the house or the stables, the garden or the field, or the highway, or in the path, or in the wood, or in the water, or in the church.-May he be cursed in living, in dying.'
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,214 ~ ~ ~
'May he be cursed in eating and drinking, in being hungry, in being thirsty, in fasting, in sleeping, in slumbering, in walking, in standing, in sitting, in lying, in working, in resting, in pissing, in shitting, and in blood-letting!
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,217 ~ ~ ~
'May he be damn'd in his mouth, in his breast, in his heart and purtenance, down to the very stomach!
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,224 ~ ~ ~
)- -By the golden beard of Jupiter-and of Juno (if her majesty wore one) and by the beards of the rest of your heathen worships, which by the bye was no small number, since what with the beards of your celestial gods, and gods aerial and aquatick-to say nothing of the beards of town-gods and country-gods, or of the celestial goddesses your wives, or of the infernal goddesses your whores and concubines (that is in case they wore them)-all which beards, as Varro tells me, upon his word and honour, when mustered up together, made no less than thirty thousand effective beards upon the Pagan establishment;-every beard of which claimed the rights and privileges of being stroken and sworn by-by all these beards together then-I vow and protest, that of the two bad cassocks I am worth in the world, I would have given the better of them, as freely as ever Cid Hamet offered his-to have stood by, and heard my uncle Toby's accompanyment.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,226 ~ ~ ~
'-continued Dr. Slop,-'and may heaven, with all the powers which move therein, rise up against him, curse and damn him' (Obadiah) 'unless he repent and make satisfaction!
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,230 ~ ~ ~
I declare, quoth my uncle Toby, my heart would not let me curse the devil himself with so much bitterness.-He is the father of curses, replied Dr. Slop.-So am not I, replied my uncle.-But he is cursed, and damn'd already, to all eternity, replied Dr. Slop.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,248 ~ ~ ~
Now to any one else I will undertake to prove, that all the oaths and imprecations which we have been puffing off upon the world for these two hundred and fifty years last past as originals-except St. Paul's thumb-God's flesh and God's fish, which were oaths monarchical, and, considering who made them, not much amiss; and as kings oaths, 'tis not much matter whether they were fish or flesh;-else I say, there is not an oath, or at least a curse amongst them, which has not been copied over and over again out of Ernulphus a thousand times: but, like all other copies, how infinitely short of the force and spirit of the original!-it is thought to be no bad oath-and by itself passes very well-'G-d damn you.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,249 ~ ~ ~
'-Set it beside Ernulphus's-'God almighty the Father damn you-God the Son damn you-God the Holy Ghost damn you'-you see 'tis nothing.-There is an orientality in his, we cannot rise up to: besides, he is more copious in his invention-possess'd more of the excellencies of a swearer-had such a thorough knowledge of the human frame, its membranes, nerves, ligaments, knittings of the joints, and articulations,-that when Ernulphus cursed-no part escaped him.-'Tis true there is something of a hardness in his manner-and, as in Michael Angelo, a want of grace-but then there is such a greatness of gusto!
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,251 ~ ~ ~
For this reason my father would oft-times affirm, there was not an oath from the great and tremendous oath of William the conqueror (By the splendour of God) down to the lowest oath of a scavenger (Damn your eyes) which was not to be found in Ernulphus.-In short, he would add-I defy a man to swear out of it.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,329 ~ ~ ~
In that spacious Hall, a coalition of the gown, from all the bars of it, driving a damn'd, dirty, vexatious cause before them, with all their might and main, the wrong way!-kicking it out of the great doors, instead of, in-and with such fury in their looks, and such a degree of inveteracy in their manner of kicking it, as if the laws had been originally made for the peace and preservation of mankind:-perhaps a more enormous mistake committed by them still-a litigated point fairly hung up;-for instance, Whether John o'Nokes his nose could stand in Tom o'Stiles his face, without a trespass, or not-rashly determined by them in five-and-twenty minutes, which, with the cautious pros and cons required in so intricate a proceeding, might have taken up as many months-and if carried on upon a military plan, as your honours know an Action should be, with all the stratagems practicable therein,-such as feints,-forced marches,-surprizes-ambuscades-mask-batteries, and a thousand other strokes of generalship, which consist in catching at all advantages on both sides-might reasonably have lasted them as many years, finding food and raiment all that term for a centumvirate of the profession.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,338 ~ ~ ~
Now for the sake of an experiment, and for the clearer illustrating this matter-let us for a moment take off one of these two curious ornaments (I care not which) from the point or pinnacle of the chair it now stands on-nay, don't laugh at it,-but did you ever see, in the whole course of your lives, such a ridiculous business as this has made of it?-Why, 'tis as miserable a sight as a sow with one ear; and there is just as much sense and symmetry in the one as in the other:-do-pray, get off your seats only to take a view of it,-Now would any man who valued his character a straw, have turned a piece of work out of his hand in such a condition?-nay, lay your hands upon your hearts, and answer this plain question, Whether this one single knob, which now stands here like a blockhead by itself, can serve any purpose upon earth, but to put one in mind of the want of the other?-and let me farther ask, in case the chair was your own, if you would not in your consciences think, rather than be as it is, that it would be ten times better without any knob at all?
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,747 ~ ~ ~
The Popish doctors had undertaken to demonstrate a priori, that from the necessary influence of the planets on the twenty-second day of October 1483-when the moon was in the twelfth house, Jupiter, Mars, and Venus in the third, the Sun, Saturn, and Mercury, all got together in the fourth-that he must in course, and unavoidably, be a damn'd man-and that his doctrines, by a direct corollary, must be damn'd doctrines too.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 1,753 ~ ~ ~
-Now you see, brother Toby, he would say, looking up, 'that christian names are not such indifferent things;'-had Luther here been called by any other name but Martin, he would have been damn'd to all eternity-Not that I look upon Martin, he would add, as a good name-far from it-'tis something better than a neutral, and but a little-yet little as it is you see it was of some service to him.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 2,048 ~ ~ ~
together, without looking once behind, or even on one side of me, to see whom I trod upon!-I'll tread upon no one-quoth I to myself when I mounted-I'll take a good rattling gallop; but I'll not hurt the poorest jack-ass upon the road.-So off I set-up one lane-down another, through this turnpike-over that, as if the arch-jockey of jockeys had got behind me.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 2,049 ~ ~ ~
Now ride at this rate with what good intention and resolution you may-'tis a million to one you'll do some one a mischief, if not yourself-He's flung-he's off-he's lost his hat-he's down-he'll break his neck-see!-if he has not galloped full among the scaffolding of the undertaking criticks!-he'll knock his brains out against some of their posts-he's bounced out!-look-he's now riding like a mad-cap full tilt through a whole crowd of painters, fiddlers, poets, biographers, physicians, lawyers, logicians, players, school-men, churchmen, statesmen, soldiers, casuists, connoisseurs, prelates, popes, and engineers.-Don't fear, said I-I'll not hurt the poorest jack-ass upon the king's highway.-But your horse throws dirt; see you've splash'd a bishop-I hope in God, 'twas only Ernulphus, said I.-But you have squirted full in the faces of Mess.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 2,308 ~ ~ ~
My father managed his affliction otherwise; and indeed differently from most men either ancient or modern; for he neither wept it away, as the Hebrews and the Romans-or slept it off, as the Laplanders-or hanged it, as the English, or drowned it, as the Germans,-nor did he curse it, or damn it, or excommunicate it, or rhyme it, or lillabullero it.- -He got rid of it, however.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 2,403 ~ ~ ~
Now-Ten thousand, and ten thousand times ten thousand (for matter and motion are infinite) are the ways by which a hat may be dropped upon the ground, without any effect.-Had he flung it, or thrown it, or cast it, or skimmed it, or squirted it, or let it slip or fall in any possible direction under heaven,-or in the best direction that could be given to it,-had he dropped it like a goose-like a puppy-like an ass-or in doing it, or even after he had done, had he looked like a fool-like a ninny-like a nincompoop-it had fail'd, and the effect upon the heart had been lost.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 2,694 ~ ~ ~
Slop snatched up the cataplasm-Susannah snatched up the candle;-A little this way, said Slop; Susannah looking one way, and rowing another, instantly set fire to Slop's wig, which being somewhat bushy and unctuous withal, was burnt out before it was well kindled.-You impudent whore!
~ ~ ~ Sentence 2,696 ~ ~ ~
)-you impudent whore, cried Slop, getting upright, with the cataplasm in his hand;-I never was the destruction of any body's nose, said Susannah,-which is more than you can say:-Is it?
~ ~ ~ Sentence 2,964 ~ ~ ~
Of the few legitimate sons of Adam whose breasts never felt what the sting of love was,-(maintaining first, all mysogynists to be bastards,)-the greatest heroes of ancient and modern story have carried off amongst them nine parts in ten of the honour; and I wish for their sakes I had the key of my study, out of my draw-well, only for five minutes, to tell you their names-recollect them I cannot-so be content to accept of these, for the present, in their stead.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 3,061 ~ ~ ~
Now there is nothing in this world I abominate worse, than to be interrupted in a story-and I was that moment telling Eugenius a most tawdry one in my way, of a nun who fancied herself a shell-fish, and of a monk damn'd for eating a muscle, and was shewing him the grounds and justice of the procedure- '-Did ever so grave a personage get into so vile a scrape?' quoth Death.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 3,062 ~ ~ ~
Thou hast had a narrow escape, Tristram, said Eugenius, taking hold of my hand as I finished my story- But there is no living, Eugenius, replied I, at this rate; for as this son of a whore has found out my lodgings- -You call him rightly, said Eugenius,-for by sin, we are told, he enter'd the world-I care not which way he enter'd, quoth I, provided he be not in such a hurry to take me out with him-for I have forty volumes to write, and forty thousand things to say and do which no body in the world will say and do for me, except thyself; and as thou seest he has got me by the throat (for Eugenius could scarce hear me speak across the table), and that I am no match for him in the open field, had I not better, whilst these few scatter'd spirits remain, and these two spider legs of mine (holding one of them up to him) are able to support me-had I not better, Eugenius, fly for my life?
~ ~ ~ Sentence 3,138 ~ ~ ~
Now true as all this is, I never think myself impowered to excommunicate thereupon either the post-chaise, or its driver-nor do I take it into my head to swear by the living G.., I would rather go a-foot ten thousand times-or that I will be damn'd, if ever I get into another-but I take the matter coolly before me, and consider, that some tag, or rag, or jag, or bolt, or buckle, or buckle's tongue, will ever be a wanting or want altering, travel where I will-so I never chaff, but take the good and the bad as they fall in my road, and get on:-Do so, my lad!
~ ~ ~ Sentence 3,145 ~ ~ ~
There is one thing, however, in it at present very handsome; and that is, the inn-keeper's daughter: She has been eighteen months at Amiens, and six at Paris, in going through her classes; so knits, and sews, and dances, and does the little coquetries very well.- -A slut!
~ ~ ~ Sentence 3,147 ~ ~ ~
-But as this sample is worth all their thumbs-besides, I have her thumbs and fingers in at the bargain, if they can be any guide to me,-and as Janatone withal (for that is her name) stands so well for a drawing-may I never draw more, or rather may I draw like a draught-horse, by main strength all the days of my life,-if I do not draw her in all her proportions, and with as determined a pencil, as if I had her in the wettest drapery.- -But your worships chuse rather that I give you the length, breadth, and perpendicular height of the great parish-church, or drawing of the facade of the abbey of Saint Austreberte which has been transported from Artois hither-every thing is just I suppose as the masons and carpenters left them,-and if the belief in Christ continues so long, will be so these fifty years to come-so your worships and reverences may all measure them at your leisures-but he who measures thee, Janatone, must do it now-thou carriest the principles of change within thy frame; and considering the chances of a transitory life, I would not answer for thee a moment; ere twice twelve months are passed and gone, thou mayest grow out like a pumpkin, and lose thy shapes-or thou mayest go off like a flower, and lose thy beauty-nay, thou mayest go off like a hussy-and lose thyself.-I would not answer for my aunt Dinah, was she alive-'faith, scarce for her picture-were it but painted by Reynolds- But if I go on with my drawing, after naming that son of Apollo, I'll be shot- So you must e'en be content with the original; which, if the evening is fine in passing thro' Montreuil, you will see at your chaise-door, as you change horses: but unless you have as bad a reason for haste as I have-you had better stop:-She has a little of the devote: but that, sir, is a terce to a nine in your favour- -L... help me!
~ ~ ~ Sentence 3,173 ~ ~ ~
hath made his estimate, wherein he setteth forth, That one Dutch mile, cubically multiplied, will allow room enough, and to spare, for eight hundred thousand millions, which he supposes to be as great a number of souls (counting from the fall of Adam) as can possibly be damn'd to the end of the world.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 3,301 ~ ~ ~
My dear mother, quoth the novice, coming a little to herself,-there are two certain words, which I have been told will force any horse, or ass, or mule, to go up a hill whether he will or no; be he never so obstinate or ill-will'd, the moment he hears them utter'd, he obeys.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 3,403 ~ ~ ~
-'Twas by a poor ass, who had just turned in with a couple of large panniers upon his back, to collect eleemosynary turnip-tops and cabbage-leaves; and stood dubious, with his two fore-feet on the inside of the threshold, and with his two hinder feet towards the street, as not knowing very well whether he was to go in or no.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 3,404 ~ ~ ~
Now, 'tis an animal (be in what hurry I may) I cannot bear to strike-there is a patient endurance of sufferings, wrote so unaffectedly in his looks and carriage, which pleads so mightily for him, that it always disarms me; and to that degree, that I do not like to speak unkindly to him: on the contrary, meet him where I will-whether in town or country-in cart or under panniers-whether in liberty or bondage-I have ever something civil to say to him on my part; and as one word begets another (if he has as little to do as I)-I generally fall into conversation with him; and surely never is my imagination so busy as in framing his responses from the etchings of his countenance-and where those carry me not deep enough-in flying from my own heart into his, and seeing what is natural for an ass to think-as well as a man, upon the occasion.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 3,405 ~ ~ ~
In truth, it is the only creature of all the classes of beings below me, with whom I can do this: for parrots, jackdaws, &c.-I never exchange a word with them-nor with the apes, &c. for pretty near the same reason; they act by rote, as the others speak by it, and equally make me silent: nay my dog and my cat, though I value them both-(and for my dog he would speak if he could)-yet somehow or other, they neither of them possess the talents for conversation-I can make nothing of a discourse with them, beyond the proposition, the reply, and rejoinder, which terminated my father's and my mother's conversations, in his beds of justice-and those utter'd-there's an end of the dialogue- -But with an ass, I can commune for ever.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 3,411 ~ ~ ~
said I, thou hast a bitter breakfast on't-and many a bitter day's labour,-and many a bitter blow, I fear, for its wages-'tis all-all bitterness to thee, whatever life is to others.-And now thy mouth, if one knew the truth of it, is as bitter, I dare say, as soot-(for he had cast aside the stem) and thou hast not a friend perhaps in all this world, that will give thee a macaroon.-In saying this, I pull'd out a paper of 'em, which I had just purchased, and gave him one-and at this moment that I am telling it, my heart smites me, that there was more of pleasantry in the conceit, of seeing how an ass would eat a macaroon-than of benevolence in giving him one, which presided in the act.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 3,793 ~ ~ ~
I am terribly afraid, said widow Wadman, in case I should marry him, Bridget-that the poor captain will not enjoy his health, with the monstrous wound upon his groin- It may not, Madam, be so very large, replied Bridget, as you think-and I believe, besides, added she-that 'tis dried up- -I could like to know-merely for his sake, said Mrs. Wadman- -We'll know and long and the broad of it, in ten days-answered Mrs. Bridget, for whilst the captain is paying his addresses to you-I'm confident Mr. Trim will be for making love to me-and I'll let him as much as he will-added Bridget-to get it all out of him- The measures were taken at once-and my uncle Toby and the corporal went on with theirs.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 3,804 ~ ~ ~
It pleased my father well; it was not only a laconick way of expressing-but of libelling, at the same time, the desires and appetites of the lower part of us; so that for many years of my father's life, 'twas his constant mode of expression-he never used the word passions once-but ass always instead of them-So that he might be said truly, to have been upon the bones, or the back of his own ass, or else of some other man's, during all that time.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 3,805 ~ ~ ~
I must here observe to you the difference betwixt My father's ass and my hobby-horse-in order to keep characters as separate as may be, in our fancies as we go along.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 3,806 ~ ~ ~
For my hobby-horse, if you recollect a little, is no way a vicious beast; he has scarce one hair or lineament of the ass about him-'Tis the sporting little filly-folly which carries you out for the present hour-a maggot, a butterfly, a picture, a fiddlestick-an uncle Toby's siege-or an any thing, which a man makes a shift to get a-stride on, to canter it away from the cares and solicitudes of life-'Tis as useful a beast as is in the whole creation-nor do I really see how the world could do without it- -But for my father's ass-oh!
~ ~ ~ Sentence 3,912 ~ ~ ~
said my uncle Toby-she had suffered persecution, Trim, and had learnt mercy- -She was good, an' please your honour, from nature, as well as from hardships; and there are circumstances in the story of that poor friendless slut, that would melt a heart of stone, said Trim; and some dismal winter's evening, when your honour is in the humour, they shall be told you with the rest of Tom's story, for it makes a part of it- Then do not forget, Trim, said my uncle Toby.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 3,970 ~ ~ ~
The only difficulty, is raising powers suitable to the nature of the service: Fancy is capricious-Wit must not be searched for-and Pleasantry (good-natured slut as she is) will not come in at a call, was an empire to be laid at her feet.
~ ~ ~ Sentence 4,036 ~ ~ ~
Mrs. Bridget had pawn'd all the little stock of honour a poor chamber-maid was worth in the world, that she would get to the bottom of the affair in ten days; and it was built upon one of the most concessible postulata in nature: namely, that whilst my uncle Toby was making love to her mistress, the corporal could find nothing better to do, than make love to her-'And I'll let him as much as he will, said Bridget, to get it out of him.'
~ ~ ~ Sentence 4,066 ~ ~ ~
And here without staying for my reply, shall I be called as many blockheads, numsculs, doddypoles, dunderheads, ninny-hammers, goosecaps, joltheads, nincompoops, and sh..t-a-beds-and other unsavoury appellations, as ever the cake-bakers of Lerne cast in the teeth of King Garangantan's shepherds-And I'll let them do it, as Bridget said, as much as they please; for how was it possible they should foresee the necessity I was under of writing the 84th chapter of my book, before the 77th, &c?
~ ~ ~ Sentence 4,112 ~ ~ ~
-For nothing can make this chapter go off with spirit but an apostrophe to thee-but my heart tells me, that in such a crisis an apostrophe is but an insult in disguise, and ere I would offer one to a woman in distress-let the chapter go to the devil; provided any damn'd critic in keeping will be but at the trouble to take it with him.